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Author Topic:   Humour VII
dwise1
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Joined: 05-02-2006
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 19 of 1042 (649997)
01-26-2012 10:42 PM
Reply to: Message 16 by herebedragons
01-26-2012 9:50 PM


Re: I'll see your Comfort book and raise you: Sun 500 miles away
"Pastor Billy-Reuben"?
Bilirubin is a by-product of the breakdown of red blood cells. It's responsible for the yellow coloration of bruises as they age, as well as the yellow color of urine. Babies can be born jaundiced with elevated bilirubin levels which they must be treated for; my first son was born with that, which is where I learned of bilirubin.
The problem when you're trying to parody bat-shit is that the real thing tends to out-do your parody. And it becomes increasingly difficult to distinguish real bat-shit from fake.
PS
I just noticed that the article dealt with the sun's yellow color, like bilirubin's color. Clever! I would assume that this was "Pastor Billy-Reuben's" only contribution on the site.
Edited by dwise1, : last sentence
Edited by dwise1, : PS

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dwise1
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Posts: 5987
Joined: 05-02-2006
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 242 of 1042 (661092)
05-02-2012 1:29 AM
Reply to: Message 241 by bluescat48
05-02-2012 1:25 AM


I dunno! Have you ever looked at Duane Gish or Ken Ham?
Oops! OK, point very well taken. Especially considering what Duane Gish and Ken Ham look like.
Edited by dwise1, : Oops!

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dwise1
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Posts: 5987
Joined: 05-02-2006
Member Rating: 2.9


(2)
Message 254 of 1042 (662121)
05-12-2012 1:53 PM


Classic Star Trek
Dialogue from a cartoon that says it all:
STRANGE NEW WORLDS by Paul Gadzikowski, From Stardate, December 1984:
quote:
Captain's Log, Stardate 5486.7: The Enterprise is on standard exploratory patrol in the Gamma Delta Iota system.
Spock: I am scanning a form of energy with which I am not familiar; it's definitely artificial in origin.
Kirk: Aw, nuts.
McCoy: "NUTS"?
Kirk: I can only swear in novelizations, Bones, you know that.
But I can see it now. Energy Spock's never seen means you, he and I will beam down to investigate, along with a security guard who'll immediately get killed.
McCoy: And/or an officer who'll get killed before we leave.
Spock: We will be pursued and captured by natives who will take our communicators.
Uhura: The energy field will inhibit communications anyway, so I'll have nothing to do.
Scotty: An' if the energy field doesn'a drain the dilithium crystals so we canna beam you up, the Klingons'll show up wantin' the planet and we'll have to raise the shields so we canna beam you up.
Spock: There will be a side effect of the energy field that will break my Vulcan mental barriers and cause me to act emotionally.
Kirk: The native ruler will be a pretty girl with a hots for one of us.
McCoy: And if it's you, won't you have fun!
Kirk: And if I'm real lucky I'll get to talk a computer into destroying itself!
Everybody gets a really good laugh.
Spock: Captain, I recommend that we skip this one.
McCoy: Yeah. We already know all about it.
Kirk: Right. Next planet, Sulu.
Kind of the same feeling we get every time a new creationist joins the forum?

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dwise1
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Posts: 5987
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(3)
Message 277 of 1042 (663666)
05-26-2012 3:40 AM


Robot Sex --- DON'T PANIC!
In the spirit of Vanessa's failed evolution analogy of self-modifying computer programs and Rueh's tribute to Douglas Adams, I hereby present Mr. Adams' short treatise on Robot Sex that I had gleaned from the Web several years ago (ie, source long forgotten):
quote:
The HitchHiker's Guide To The Galaxy--Robot Sex
What was not obvious to most life forms and could be considered one of the Universe's best kept secrets is the fact that robots and computers can enjoy a healthy sex life. Computers have often been connected together in the light of the improved performance. This is not due to shared resources, the truth of the matter being that they perform better because they are more relaxed and satisfied after a good bout of interfacing. Robots have often wondered why it's never been taken up in life form work places in place of say, a coffee break. Considering the poor quality of coffee available in such workplaces, this has always been a mystery. Still, the robots don't let on as it gives them another reason to snigger. As with most functions performed by computers and robots, a complete set of jargon words have been devised to confuse the layman. A basic translation list now follows (all those of a nervous or prudish disposition, or those who just want to get on with the story, should skip this section).
Interface - Sex
(The thought of a man to machine interface is repulsive to most devices)
Terminals - Breasts
Twin floppy disks - Breasts
Joystick - Penis
(It is often queried why there are two names for breasts and only one for penis, but only by very stupid people)
User defined function - Sexual act (usually kinky)
Stand alone - Wanker
Cluster - Group sex
Replication - Conception
Firewall - Contraception
Handshaking - Foreplay
Baud rate - Level of boredom
Cursor device - Unwilling partner
SCSI - Easy lay
USB - Mythological easy lay
PEEK - Voyeurism
POKE - Sexually inquisitive
GOSUB - Oral sex
INPUT - Down to business
LOAD - Really down to business
Full duplex - Frantic lovemaking
Syntax error - Premature ejaculation
Hyperbolic function - Male orgasm
Graphic display - Female orgasm
'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy is proud to offer a confidential counselling service for all sexually frustrated or troubled devices. Interface with us and half your problems are solved.'
Share and enjoy!
(or, when those three-mile-high letters sank into the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation's upper levels, the remaining half of those letters spelled out, "Go stick your head in a pig")

dwise1
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Joined: 05-02-2006
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 415 of 1042 (671968)
09-01-2012 1:27 AM
Reply to: Message 386 by Modulous
08-26-2012 4:20 PM


Re: But wait, there's more!
... , but we're happy the Yanks still like playing with their precious toys
Well, of course, our culture derives very much from the British. And yet ... there is still that German influence.
It's been said that Germans love acronyms more than any other nationality ... except for the Americans.
And it's been said that Germans love gadgets more than any other nationality, with sincere competition from the Japanese ... except for the Americans.
Early in American history, most of the colonies were founded by the British, but a lot of German immigrants also came in. There's a myth about a vote to choose the language to use and it was just one vote away from being German. Certainly in Europe, Americans are viewed as being more like the Germans than any other culture.
Futhermore ... uuh! What is that that you're playing with there?

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dwise1
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(1)
Message 435 of 1042 (672378)
09-07-2012 2:44 PM
Reply to: Message 434 by Straggler
09-07-2012 12:17 PM


Re: Karl Marx and Obama
That was taken in the infancy of photography, before they figured out how to get the hands right.
{removing tongue from cheek}
Everybody knows how hard doing hands can be, which is why the Simpsons have 4-digits instead of 5 and why Napoleon's portrait had his hand tucked into his vest.

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dwise1
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Posts: 5987
Joined: 05-02-2006
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 437 of 1042 (672381)
09-07-2012 2:51 PM
Reply to: Message 436 by ringo
09-07-2012 2:49 PM


Re: Karl Marx and Obama
And in the mid-70's a German humor magazine, Pardon (kind of like our National Lampoon), showed why Marxism is so popular with a drawing of the Marx Brothers: Groucho, Harpo, Chico, and Karl.

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dwise1
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(3)
Message 495 of 1042 (676402)
10-22-2012 3:22 PM
Reply to: Message 494 by ringo
10-22-2012 2:51 PM


A gringo who couldn't speak any Spanish was travelling in Mexico when he found that he had to buy new socks. He went into a clothing store asking for socks and the clerk, who could speak no English, couldn't understand what he wanted. After several attempts at non-verbal communication, the gringo finally gave up and started to leave the store when he sudden saw the socks. He grabbed a pair and showed them to the clerk, who exclaimed, "Eso s que es!" ("So that's what it is!") The gringo bought the socks and left furious, muttering to himself, "Well, if he could spell it, then why did he pretend to not know what I was talking about?"

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dwise1
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Posts: 5987
Joined: 05-02-2006
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Message 502 of 1042 (676528)
10-23-2012 3:15 PM
Reply to: Message 497 by Dr Adequate
10-22-2012 4:37 PM


In his "The Awful German Language", Mark Twain told of having found that familiar friend, "damit", and taken great comfort in it, until he discovered that it meant something altogether different (ie, "therewith", "with it"). If you haven't read that essay yet, here's a link to a broshure from the USA embassy in German which also includes letters from Twain to a German office that's a mixture of English and broken German: http://usa.usembassy.de/...%20Twain%20Awful%20Broschuere.pdf
I had a similar experience to that gringo in my joke in Message 495, albeit in German. My first summer in Germany, I had already studied the language in school for about 4 years and was fairly proficient. One day, I needed to buy a pen so I went into a stationary store and, not seeing what I wanted, asked a clerk for a Feder, which literally means "feather", but like in French and Spanish and formerly in English, "feather"/"quill" is/was the word for "pen". Now, in all my years learning German, "Feder" is the word we were always taught, but the clerks had no idea what I was talking about. Finally, I had to give and started to leave, when I saw one and held it up. "Ach! Sie wollen einen Kugelschreiber!", literally a "ball writer". Which demonstrates that what you learn in language class is not necessarily how the language currently works.

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dwise1
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Posts: 5987
Joined: 05-02-2006
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 503 of 1042 (676530)
10-23-2012 3:33 PM
Reply to: Message 498 by New Cat's Eye
10-22-2012 4:57 PM


A false stereotype. A language only sounds as ugly as the speaker makes it sound; eg, English as spoken by many Americans, mainly the archetypical tourist.
For example, one day in college when I was a language major (human languages, before I moved on to computer languages), I was in the Student Union conversing with a girl who was also taking a language class. She was complaining how awful German sounded, so I started speaking to her in German. "Oh, that sounds beautiful! What is it?" "German." It all depends on the speaker. I have heard French that sounded very ugly *.
In German linguistics class, an early lecture briefly covered some of linguistics' ideas of how human language had originated. When the professor mentioned the one that it started with modified animal sounds, one student quickly suggested that Dutch offers strong support for that idea; even before he said that, he know full well that he was sitting right behind three Dutch girls in our class.
So then Dutch would have been a far better candidate for that joke, not German.

* FOOTNOTE: For example, a scene in the French movie, Le grand blond avec une chaussure noire ("The Tall Blond Man with One Black Shoe" -- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068655/, remade with Tom Hanks as "The Man with One Red Shoe"). A spy is trying to seduce the protagonist of the title, a musician who has unwittingly been drawn into a spy game as a decoy, and is surprised when instead of a sexual move he starts playing his modern composition for her. Her drawn-out cry of "Quoiiiiiii!?!?" was one of the ugliest human sounds I had ever heard uttered.

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dwise1
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Posts: 5987
Joined: 05-02-2006
Member Rating: 2.9


(4)
Message 629 of 1042 (689242)
01-29-2013 12:43 AM


A New-Comer to Heaven
A new-comer arrives at the Pearly Gates and after St. Peter processes him in, an angel is assigned to show him to his room and to conduct his orientation. The Mansion with Many Rooms also has many floors, the angel explains as they get into the elevator, with each religion having its own floor. They chat on their way up until the angel cautions the new-comer to silence as they approach one particular floor and then after having passed that floor they continue chatting. The new-comer is curious why they had to be silent at that one particular floor and the angel explains, "That's the Fundamentalist floor. They think they're the only ones here."

dwise1
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Posts: 5987
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(6)
Message 634 of 1042 (689394)
01-30-2013 10:26 AM
Reply to: Message 633 by Tangle
01-30-2013 7:48 AM


Maybe we should set a challenge.
Creationists are already far too challenged as it is.

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dwise1
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Posts: 5987
Joined: 05-02-2006
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(3)
Message 901 of 1042 (707558)
09-28-2013 1:51 PM
Reply to: Message 898 by onifre
09-27-2013 1:46 PM


Re: From the Office
From the British Office, not the REAL Office.
Is that like reading Shakespeare in the original German? Or in the original Klingon?

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dwise1
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Posts: 5987
Joined: 05-02-2006
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 1034 of 1042 (713840)
12-17-2013 1:20 AM
Reply to: Message 1029 by AZPaul3
12-16-2013 1:28 PM


Re: Low brow joke
I don't get it. Is she chinese or something?
The main requirement for the build-up is that at least the first two words need to be wrong. When my mother told it to me 50 years ago (after every Elks event, she'd always repeat the off-color jokes she had heard), they were "beertender" and "martooni". No need to garble "heartburn" since it's a different mistake that's involved.
To that nine-year-old's credit, she wasn't familiar with how booze can garble speech. But it looks like she might be a fast learner.

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Replies to this message:
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dwise1
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Posts: 5987
Joined: 05-02-2006
Member Rating: 2.9


Message 1036 of 1042 (713860)
12-17-2013 10:24 AM
Reply to: Message 1035 by AZPaul3
12-17-2013 7:01 AM


Re: Low brow joke
Cultural differences.
When I was in Germany, I had some film processed. The pictures came back in a Kodak envelope covered with typical family photos, just like here in the US. One photo was of a little girl maybe 3 or 4 years old holding a Halbe (half liter glass beer mug) and sipping some of the beer. I've been told that that's the proudest day of a father's life.
In the US, it used to be customary for kids errands to include picking up a bucket of beer from the local bar for their parents.

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