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Author Topic:   Humour VII
ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


Message 169 of 1042 (657647)
03-29-2012 5:20 PM
Reply to: Message 167 by RAZD
03-29-2012 3:01 PM


Re: Word play
RAZD writes:
Operatunist: someone that listens to opera.
Piano Tuna: fish 'n' musician

This message is a reply to:
 Message 167 by RAZD, posted 03-29-2012 3:01 PM RAZD has replied

Replies to this message:
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ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


Message 194 of 1042 (658524)
04-05-2012 3:34 PM
Reply to: Message 192 by frako
04-05-2012 12:37 PM


Years later, Johnny dies. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter looks him up in the Book of Life, "Johnny... Johnny... Johnny.... Ah.... There's a message for you," and he gives him the note.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 192 by frako, posted 04-05-2012 12:37 PM frako has not replied

ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


(4)
Message 270 of 1042 (663237)
05-22-2012 2:19 PM


Physics Joke
Once upon a time there was a grad student who was given the opportunity to speak before a symposium of the nation's most prominent physicists. His assigned topic was, "What is an electron?"
He composed his speech carefully, "An electron is a concept which has changed over the course of time. Electrons were once thought to be distributed evenly throughout the atom like currants in a plum pudding. Later, they were believed to orbit the nucleus like tiny planets. Later still, they were understood to occupy discrete regions of space called orbitals," and so on.
He was nervous about the prospect so he rehearsed his speech thoroughly. As he looked in the mirror while shaving, he repeated, "An electron is a concept which has changed over the course of time...." As he ate breakfast, he repeated "An electron is a concept which has changed over the course of time," which annoyed his girlfriend. On the bus he repeated, "An electron is a concept which has changed over the course of time," which guaranteed him a seat by himself.
Finally, the big day arrived. He stood up before his august audience and began, "An electron is a concept...." and his mind went completely blank. He couldn't remember another word.
He was about to break out in a cold sweat when one distinguished old scientist in the audience began to applaud. One by one, the others joined him until finally they all rose in a standing ovation.
An electron is a concept. Stop there and you avoid putting your foot in your mouth.

ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


(2)
Message 289 of 1042 (665351)
06-12-2012 11:48 AM
Reply to: Message 288 by Minnemooseus
06-11-2012 9:08 PM


Re: Yes, I know it's a rather tasteless low blow...
Moose writes:
I have to do something about that 10.0 rating I had when I posted this message.
That's easy. Just disagree with foreveryoung and Rahvin.

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ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


(1)
Message 309 of 1042 (666546)
06-28-2012 1:13 PM
Reply to: Message 308 by fearandloathing
06-28-2012 11:20 AM


Re: It runs in our family
Doctor: You're too fat.
Patient: I want a second opinion.
Doctor: You're ugly too.

This message is a reply to:
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ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


Message 330 of 1042 (667435)
07-07-2012 2:46 PM
Reply to: Message 329 by Briterican
07-07-2012 2:16 PM


Re: Hair Removal for Men product reviews
... my Samantha Janus....
Nice use of rhyming slang.
I'd have given full points if he'd left off the rhyming part and just called it, "my Samantha."
Also, nice references to Usain Bolt and (I presume) Linford Christie.

This message is a reply to:
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ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


(1)
Message 376 of 1042 (670991)
08-21-2012 1:04 PM
Reply to: Message 375 by New Cat's Eye
08-21-2012 12:23 PM


It should be, "Dat's racist!"

This message is a reply to:
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ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


(2)
Message 381 of 1042 (671454)
08-25-2012 12:58 PM
Reply to: Message 380 by Coyote
08-24-2012 8:49 PM


Re: But wait, there's more!
Coyote writes:
Yes, you showed that liberals have absolutely no sense of humor when it is THEIR ox being gored.
Nobody has a sense of humour when their own ox is gored, unless the ox is insured *.
*Disclaimer: some policies exclude acts of gored.
Edited by ringo, : Added disclaimer.

This message is a reply to:
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ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


Message 395 of 1042 (671617)
08-28-2012 12:50 PM
Reply to: Message 387 by Huntard
08-27-2012 2:34 PM


Hans Teeuwen
I like the subtitles. Dutch is just like misspelled and mispronounced English.

This message is a reply to:
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ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


Message 413 of 1042 (671920)
08-31-2012 12:34 PM
Reply to: Message 409 by Tangle
08-31-2012 4:40 AM


We have a cliche around here about "government jobs": six guys standing around a hole, all leaning on shovels.
I saw the updated version out my window the other day. The backhoe was idle and its operator was talking on his cellphone. The one guy beside the hole (cutbacks, I guess) was talking on his cellphone. I don't know if they were talking to each other. I could't see anybody in the hole but if there was somebody, I can only presume that he was on his cellphone too.
Then I got a call on my cellphone.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 409 by Tangle, posted 08-31-2012 4:40 AM Tangle has not replied

ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


Message 421 of 1042 (672002)
09-01-2012 3:41 PM
Reply to: Message 417 by onifre
09-01-2012 3:20 PM


Re: Get the fuck outta here!
onifre writes:
Mitt Romney's family posthumously baptized Ann Romney's atheist father
There is a joke in there somewhere - something about a fire hose in Hell....

This message is a reply to:
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ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


Message 436 of 1042 (672379)
09-07-2012 2:49 PM
Reply to: Message 434 by Straggler
09-07-2012 12:17 PM


Re: Karl Marx and Obama
It's indisputable proof that Karl Marx was an American - he has his hand on his gun.

This message is a reply to:
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ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


(1)
Message 494 of 1042 (676391)
10-22-2012 2:51 PM
Reply to: Message 489 by Dr Adequate
10-20-2012 12:15 PM


A young Mexican boy went to the U.S. to visit relatives and then, contrary to stereotype, he promptly went home.When asked how he had enjoyed his trip, he replied, "Everybody was so friendly. We went to a baseball game and before they started playing, everybody in the whole stadium stood up and asked me, "Jose, can you see?"

This message is a reply to:
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Replies to this message:
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ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


(1)
Message 500 of 1042 (676503)
10-23-2012 12:24 PM
Reply to: Message 498 by New Cat's Eye
10-22-2012 4:57 PM


Years ago, I read an anecdote in Readers Digest about a woman's trip to Switzerland. French and German were the dominant languages and English was also prevalent because of the tourists.
She noticed a sign in those three languages. In English, it was a straightforward, "Please don't pick the flowers." In German, it was a more authoritarian, "It is VERBOTEN to pick the flowers!" In French, there was an added explanation, "People who enjoy the flowers leave them for others to enjoy too."
(Anybody who lives in Canada, whether they speak French or not, can confirm that French signs are always twice as long as the English equivalent. I tell people it's because the second half of every French word is silent.)

This message is a reply to:
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Replies to this message:
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ringo
Member (Idle past 526 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


(1)
Message 564 of 1042 (681695)
11-27-2012 12:23 PM
Reply to: Message 541 by Shield
11-21-2012 11:29 AM


I thought it was funny. I think most of the politically correct responses are dishonest.
Humour is a natural reaction, not necessarily a "good" one. What separates us from the apes is our attempt to feel "right" instead of just feeling what we feel.
Don't choke on your laughter. Laugh and then feel bad about it.

This message is a reply to:
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Replies to this message:
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