I am sorry for diving in here late. I have not read through the whole thread, but I want to offer my 2cents to you Sarde.
Well, I do not have the proof you require to believe in God. A short time ago, I would have thought that I did. I think you need to find God on your own, and the fact that you are looking for him is a great start. You will find him, in God's timing, when you are ready for him. It would seem that you do not wnt to live in a false life of believing in God, bound by the rules of man or religion, but you seek the true heart of the Father. You seek understanding and truth.
When judging all things for yourself (or searching for God in religion or man), I would suggest to revert back to 2 rules. Love God with all your heart, and love others, as you love yourself. I think you would find that in your heart to be true, "if" God exists. That's what God is all about. If things deveate from that, then they aren't Godly.
God put his laws on our minds and hearts, starting from the NT, so you can always check in with that, to see if things make sense. But keep in mind that we are decieved, because the devil doesn't want us to find the truth.
So I offer this bit of advice. "If" God exists, then so does a spiritual world. Picture the world (reality) as a refelection of what is going on in the spiritual world. Don't just listen to what people say or look at what they do, but try to fathom what it is their spirit is doing/saying. Try to have a spiritual awareness about you, so that you might start to see what is going on right in front of you.
When you pray, spend some time listening for God. He will speak in a small still voice most of the time.
Read the bible, and ask God for you to receive what it is he means in the words of the bible, and how it applys to you.
When the approiate time comes, God will speak directly into your heart, and you will experience his Holy Spirit first hand, and then you will know for yourself. Unfortunatly it will all be subjective, bordering on the objective. In other words, there will always be the odds involved that will say, it is not possible, or God doesn't exist. But the odds of winning the NY lotto are like 17million to 1, but if you play it once, and win, then your personal odds were 1 to 1. Just becasue the odds are against you, doesn't mean you can't win, or God doesn't exist.
When God speaks to you in your heart, you will experience his love for yourself first hand, then the 2 commandments will become easier to make into reality, understanding that love. I am not saying you do not understand love at the current time, but I believe there will be an increase of that love, you already posess.
I do not know what it is in your life that you are missing spiritually, or not missing, but that I can only share my experiences with you, and hope that you get something from them. If it is God, then you probably will. You can email anytime, with any questions, or through the forum.
Keep in mind everyone that these are my belief's nothing more. If they are Godly belief's then they might make some sense to you. If there is one thing that this forum has taught me is that you cannot really prove God's existance, or should we even try. The only way I have been able to share God, or God's love with people, is by loving them
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