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Author | Topic: Humour VI | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
"No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride...and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten." Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione. |
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
AbE... Ok after watching this next one the first one just isn't as funny. Probably not the proper place for it but .... Edited by fearandloathing, : No reason given. Edited by fearandloathing, : No reason given."No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride...and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten." Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione. |
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Minnemooseus Member Posts: 3945 From: Duluth, Minnesota, U.S. (West end of Lake Superior) Joined: Member Rating: 10.0 |
Source MooseProfessor, geology, Whatsamatta U Evolution - Changes in the environment, caused by the interactions of the components of the environment. "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." - Bruce Graham "The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness." - John Kenneth Galbraith "Yesterday on Fox News, commentator Glenn Beck said that he believes President Obama is a racist. To be fair, every time you watch Glenn Beck, it does get a little easier to hate white people." - Conan O'Brien "I know a little about a lot of things, and a lot about a few things, but I'm highly ignorant about everything." - Moose |
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frako Member (Idle past 336 days) Posts: 2932 From: slovenija Joined: |
True storry just got reminded of it
A girl who is friend of mine came back from noter country by train, and in the same cabin there was a priest, she bought an elcetronic shaver for her legs or something like that and did not want to declare the purchase dnno why probably her first time abroad so she asked the priest to hold it for her, reluctantly the priest agreed. On the checkpoint the customs officer asks if anyone has anything to declare the girl says no, the priest says i have a small machine that girls use in my pants, the customs officer just went to the next cabin. Christianity, One woman's lie about an affair that got seriously out of hand Jesus was a dead jew on a stick nothing more
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dwise1 Member Posts: 5952 Joined: Member Rating: 5.7 |
Another true customs on a European train story.
My first summer in Europe, I was travelling by train from Germany to Switzerland. At the border, the train stopped and the German customs agent identified himself as "Passkontrol" (passport control) and checked our passports. Friendly cheerful type, even kidded me a bit about my new beard that wasn't on my passport photo (my electric razor could handle the 240V voltage, but not the entirely different power sockets). He continued to work his way through the other compartments in the car and moved on to the next car. Then some jerk entered our car from the other end and kept complaining loudly, "Scheiepasskontrol!" (shitty Passkontrol, the common German way of cursing something) over and over again. What was that guy's problem? Then just before he got to our compartment, I could finally hear that he was saying, "Schweizer Passkontrol!" (Swiss Passkontrol).
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IamJoseph Member (Idle past 3698 days) Posts: 2822 Joined: |
Worth saving. Shakespeare couldn't describe real life better.
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RAZD Member (Idle past 1435 days) Posts: 20714 From: the other end of the sidewalk Joined: |
Calamities of Nature comics
Calamities of Nature Calamities of Nature: Archive
Enjoy.by our ability to understand Rebel American Zen Deist ... to learn ... to think ... to live ... to laugh ... to share. Join the effort to solve medical problems, AIDS/HIV, Cancer and more with Team EvC! (click) |
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frako Member (Idle past 336 days) Posts: 2932 From: slovenija Joined: |
2 Stuednts are waiting for an oral exsam one says when you come out tell me what you answered.
One studant goes in and the profersor asks him Who discovered AmericaKristof Columbus When was that? in 1492 why did the Maya civilization vanish? I dont know they are still researching The student walks out and tells the other the answers the second comes in and the professor asks what is your name? Kristof Columbus When where you borne 1492 Are you totally insane? I dont know they are still researching Christianity, One woman's lie about an affair that got seriously out of hand Jesus was a dead jew on a stick nothing more |
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frako Member (Idle past 336 days) Posts: 2932 From: slovenija Joined: |
Id buy that tractor Christianity, One woman's lie about an affair that got seriously out of hand Jesus was a dead jew on a stick nothing more |
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fearandloathing Member (Idle past 4175 days) Posts: 990 From: Burlington, NC, USA Joined: |
"No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride...and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten." Hunter S. Thompson Ad astra per aspera Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
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bluescat48 Member (Idle past 4220 days) Posts: 2347 From: United States Joined: |
Maybe Washington should take his advice.
There is no better love between 2 people than mutual respect for each other WT Young, 2002 Who gave anyone the authority to call me an authority on anything. WT Young, 1969 Since Evolution is only ~90% correct it should be thrown out and replaced by Creation which has even a lower % of correctness. W T Young, 2008
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IamJoseph Member (Idle past 3698 days) Posts: 2822 Joined:
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CAUTION: Certified Kosher
Jewish Humor You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Jack Benny, Phil Silvers, Henny Youngman, Marx Bros, 3 Stooges, Jerry Lewis, Danny Kaye, Phillis Diller and others? You've probably heard of them before, but don't you miss their humor if you were old enough?Not one single swear word in their comedy. * A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? The man says, "I make a good living." * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!" * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it The thief spends less than my wife did. * We always hold hands . If I let go, she shops. * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea . * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. * I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. * The Doctor gave a man six months to live.. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.Mrs Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" * A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears.Doctor: "Don't answer!" * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?They're worth it. *Why do Jewish men die before their wives?They want to 1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. 2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. 3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. 4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes." 5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! 6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?A: Facing Bloomingdale's. .. 7. A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?" " Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." 8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." 9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?A: Under the vacuum cleaner. 10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody." 11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday:They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat. 12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days.""Force yourself," she replied. 13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. 14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off. > >Subject: Greek joke > >>*Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Greek restaurant in> >> New York .* > >> *Sid asked Al, 'Are there any people of our faith born and> >> raised in Greece ?' * > >> > >> *Al replied, 'I don't know, let's ask our waiter.'* > >> > >> *When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Greek > >> Jews?' * > >> > >> *The waiter said, 'Aronno, I ask the cooks.'* > >> > >> *He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No > >> ser, no Greek Jews.' * > >> > >> *Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you > >> absolutely sure?' * > >> > >> *The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'xenoi' [foreigners] > >> gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into > >> the kitchen. * > >> > >> *While the waiter was away, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe > >> that there are no Jews in Greece , our people are scattered > >> everywhere.' * > >> > >> *The waiter returned and said, 'The head cook say there is no > >> Greek Jews.' * > >> > >> *'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I can't believe there > >> are no Greek Jews!' * > >> > >> *'Gamoto mou . I asked EVERYONE,' replied the exasperated > >> waiter. 'All we have is Orange Jews, Apple Jews & Tomato Jews! *
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bluescat48 Member (Idle past 4220 days) Posts: 2347 From: United States Joined: |
The last one is a "killer."
There is no better love between 2 people than mutual respect for each other WT Young, 2002 Who gave anyone the authority to call me an authority on anything. WT Young, 1969 Since Evolution is only ~90% correct it should be thrown out and replaced by Creation which has even a lower % of correctness. W T Young, 2008
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hooah212002 Member (Idle past 831 days) Posts: 3193 Joined: |
Edited by hooah212002, : No reason given."Why don't you call upon your God to strike me? Oh, I forgot it's because he's fake like Thor, so bite me" -Greydon Square
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AZPaul3 Member Posts: 8564 From: Phoenix Joined: Member Rating: 5.1 |
Moose!
Edited by AZPaul3, : No reason given.
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