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Author Topic:   Humour VI
IamJoseph
Member (Idle past 3785 days)
Posts: 2822
Joined: 06-30-2007


Message 306 of 553 (629593)
08-18-2011 7:17 PM
Reply to: Message 14 by New Cat's Eye
02-07-2011 6:25 PM


Re: Truths for Mature Humans
Worth saving. Shakespeare couldn't describe real life better.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 14 by New Cat's Eye, posted 02-07-2011 6:25 PM New Cat's Eye has not replied

IamJoseph
Member (Idle past 3785 days)
Posts: 2822
Joined: 06-30-2007


(1)
Message 312 of 553 (629920)
08-21-2011 6:35 AM


CAUTION: Certified Kosher
Jewish Humor
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Jack Benny, Phil Silvers, Henny Youngman, Marx Bros, 3 Stooges, Jerry Lewis, Danny Kaye, Phillis Diller and others? You've probably heard of them before, but don't you miss their humor if you were old enough?
Not one single swear word in their comedy.
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? The man says, "I make a good living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands . If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live.. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.
Mrs Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears.
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
..
7. A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?" "
Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak.
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband.
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.
13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
> >Subject: Greek joke
> >>*Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Greek restaurant in
> >> New York .*
> >> *Sid asked Al, 'Are there any people of our faith born and
> >> raised in Greece ?' *
> >>
> >> *Al replied, 'I don't know, let's ask our waiter.'*
> >>
> >> *When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Greek
> >> Jews?' *
> >>
> >> *The waiter said, 'Aronno, I ask the cooks.'*
> >>
> >> *He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No
> >> ser, no Greek Jews.' *
> >>
> >> *Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you
> >> absolutely sure?' *
> >>
> >> *The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'xenoi' [foreigners]
> >> gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into
> >> the kitchen. *
> >>
> >> *While the waiter was away, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe
> >> that there are no Jews in Greece , our people are scattered
> >> everywhere.' *
> >>
> >> *The waiter returned and said, 'The head cook say there is no
> >> Greek Jews.' *
> >>
> >> *'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I can't believe there
> >> are no Greek Jews!' *
> >>
> >> *'Gamoto mou . I asked EVERYONE,' replied the exasperated
> >> waiter. 'All we have is Orange Jews, Apple Jews & Tomato Jews! *

Replies to this message:
 Message 313 by bluescat48, posted 08-21-2011 10:42 AM IamJoseph has replied
 Message 318 by cavediver, posted 08-21-2011 6:56 PM IamJoseph has replied

IamJoseph
Member (Idle past 3785 days)
Posts: 2822
Joined: 06-30-2007


Message 319 of 553 (630000)
08-21-2011 10:31 PM
Reply to: Message 318 by cavediver
08-21-2011 6:56 PM


>Property
>
> Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish
> Texan is sitting between them. The first Texan says, 'My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they
> call my place The Jolly Roger.'
> The second Texan says, 'My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have
> 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's.'
>
> They both look down at the Jewish man who says, 'My name is Irving and
> I own only 300 acres.' Roger looks down at him and say, '300 Acres?
> What do you raise?'
> 'Nothing' Irving says. 'Well then, what do you call it?' Asked John.
> 'Downtown Dallas.'
>
>
>
> _________________
>
>
>
>Doctor's Orders
>
> A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we
> put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most
>
> of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
> corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat
> diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
> caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing
> that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat.
> Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and
> suffering for years after eating it?'
>
>
>
> After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in
> the front row, raised his hand and said, 'Vedding Cake?'
>
>
>
> __________________________
>
>
>Miracle Cure
>
>
> Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis
> had waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely
> bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her
> turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and,amazingly,
> emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her
> head held high.
> A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to
> the little old lady and said, 'It's a miracle! You walked in bent in
> half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?'
> She answered, 'Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 318 by cavediver, posted 08-21-2011 6:56 PM cavediver has not replied

IamJoseph
Member (Idle past 3785 days)
Posts: 2822
Joined: 06-30-2007


Message 320 of 553 (630001)
08-21-2011 10:37 PM
Reply to: Message 313 by bluescat48
08-21-2011 10:42 AM


quote:
There is no better love between 2 people than mutual respect for each other
Agreed. Thus, honor, not automatic biological love, is mandated in the 3rd C from Sinai.
quote:
Since Evolution is only ~90% correct it should be thrown out and replaced by Creation which has even a lower % of correctness. W T Young, 2008
Disagreed. There is no alternative to Creationism from a scientific POV. It is the theologies, not Genesis, which are in disarray.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 313 by bluescat48, posted 08-21-2011 10:42 AM bluescat48 has not replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 321 by Dogmafood, posted 08-21-2011 10:43 PM IamJoseph has not replied

IamJoseph
Member (Idle past 3785 days)
Posts: 2822
Joined: 06-30-2007


Message 327 of 553 (630705)
08-27-2011 1:23 AM


OILS AIN'T OILS.
HA!
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a "seven-hundred-ten".
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.'
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'.
She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' the mechanic fainted
If you're not sure what a 710 is......
7l0.
Edited by IamJoseph, : No reason given.

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