What experience was that?
Its kind of a long story, so if you don't mind me copying and pasting from a post I made a few months ago, it should explain the moment I'm speaking about that led up to my conversion.
[quote]If you will oblige me, I will post what I have previously written as a prologue in a book that I started, entitled, "The Road to Damascus:
finding life amidst the valley of the shadow of death"
The inexplicable revealed
It was February 28, 2002. That night marked the 2nd anniversary of my enlistment into the United States Navy. I was off duty that particular night and on a date with a fiery redhead that I had recently met. We had spent the evening getting to know each other better and having a great time. Nearing the latter portion of our date we found ourselves lakeside, engaged in conversation.
The conversation seemed to flow effortlessly from one topic to the next with little prompting. From the ebb and flow of the dialogue, the conversation took an unexpected detour towards a topic, that, in the most profound way, would forever change my life. Alexan began to speak about her faith and about biblical principles and events that shaped and molded her character. Little did we know at the time that these topics would resurface countless times, proving to be the bedrock of our relationship. You see, a few months after the fact, I went ahead and married that girl.
On this night, not only was I attracted to her mental prowess as she spoke of these things, but I was captivated by the conviction behind her faith. She spoke with a certainty unrivaled. I hung on to every word as if it were nourishment to satiate my ravenous hunger for Truth. In her witness she was being used as a vessel of glory. For the first time in my life, I was honestly receptive to the notion of God. To fully understand the scope of impact that this had on me, perhaps a brief synopsis will offer a greater insight to the reader.
Growing up I was a fairly typical young man. I had parents and a sister that loved me. I was never without anything thing that sustains life, nor lacked any amenities that might have enhanced it. I had a multitude of friends. I was athletic and healthy. I was musically inclined. For all intense and purposes, I had every conceivable reason to be successful in whatever desire I sought to endeavor. Despite all my worldly blessings and achievements, a life once seemingly clear, grew dismal.
-Oswald Chambers
This quote, paraphrased from one of the great Christian apologists, has summed up the
expression to the truth that has been dumbly struggling in (me) for utterance. As well, I pray that I might be that author who gives to you the expression to the truth that has been been dubly struggling in you for utterance. Where should I begin?
It seems that for as long as I can remember, I have toiled and agonized with the
void. The void: What is it? The void is that curious sense of lack-- that nagging sense that something is missing. It is that place of emptiness inside the human heart. The void is that peculiar intuition that something is amiss and awry, but you aren’t sure why. The void is ever present in all facets of human thought and emotion.
I found this inequality to be true in my own experience, recognizing that it was separate from intellect-- meaning-- I could not think my way out of this one. The void spurns the logical and any attempt to rationalize it ends with disparaging results. The void is a quandary and a vexation of sorts. The whole of it becomes so much more than just enigmatic-- its completely bewildering. It is the missing piece of the puzzle. As more variables appeared, I was confronted with a maze of obstacles. The twists and turns sent me roundabout until I came full circle from where I had begun. I became the proverbial dog who chases his own tail. What I thought was reality became illusory. What I thought was truth was anything but, and it chastened me.
From this position it had caused me to consider the philosophical questions that enter our minds from time to time. I have always found it tremendously interesting to ponder the deeper aspects of such notions and to observe how others have formulated their own conclusions. Gaining perspectives on others allowed me to assimilate my views from theirs, through comparison and contrast. It inevitably led me even further into the uncomfortable journey of introspection. Unfortunately, I had no idea what it was that I was looking for and certainly did not know how to find it.
The only thing certain for me was that intangible pang in my heart. It was haunting and nothing seemed to offer any solace. I searched through vain and temporal avenues seeking restitution, but reprieve from it constantly eluded me. There were no lines of demarcation-- where a boundary began and where it would end. And so, I sought the council of those I deemed to be wise, hoping that they had some insight on life that I was failing to grasp. To my dismay, they were just as lost as I was, and perhaps even more so, because at least I could admit it to myself. These self-help gurus wore pride as a necklace and were blinded by their own convoluted sense of self-worth.
At this point in time I had heard all the arguments to support this or that religion, or to meditate on this or that philosophy. But it all left a bad taste in my mouth. All that I gave ear to began sounding like a broken record. Today’s discourse was merely a carbon copy of yesterdays rant. The former was a slight gradation from the latter, only with a subtle twist. It was the same mouthful of mouthwash, only now swishing to the other side of the cheek.
The understanding that I had hoped to find in them was either fleeting or elusive, altogether. Meanwhile, I suffered in quiet desperation as one day melted seamlessly into the next. I am sure those closest to me sensed some level of despair in me, but I doubt they understood the breadth and depth of its extent. Life was grievous to me and what I thought was reality was now faade.
Growing weary with cynicism, I eventually embraced agnosticism but not before weighing the juxtaposition of religiosity and philosophy - Confucianism, Taoism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Atheism, Rationalism, and the like. Some of the
ism schism caught my eye but they were quickly put to death for a lack of,
what?, I do not know. I had been witnessed to by virtually every Christian denomination imaginable. But they were either weak in their faith, and thus, could not present an argument that I was able to dismantle in moments, or I had put up walls in which to shut them out.
And so, for years, I was at the crossroads of ambivalence, not knowing up from down.
Something new was in the air as Alex spoke; something new on the horizon had dawned. Ironically enough, I did not feel some resplendent bliss that one might associate with the prospect of someone coming to terms with a fixed belief. Nay, but rather, it was dread. It was insidious and I could feel it in the pit of my gut.
An uneasy feeling came over me and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. The air was stagnate and there was a ringing in my ear.
Something knew it had been discovered as I became increasingly aware of its presence and it is aversion to having me hear what she had to say about God. In spite of this, it could not keep me away from Him. The bondages of oppression began to lift throughout the conversation.
A few weeks after that experience I had opened myself increasingly to the possibility of an omnipotent, omniscient, and omni-benevolent presence. I wasn’t entirely sold out on the notion just yet, but I was allowing the possibility to flourish instead of stifling it as I had done for so many years. I began to listen to sermons on the radio and started to read the Bible with understanding. The scales began to fall off my eyes. I was able to discern that which I could not recognize before. The Word became a catalyst to a consuming flame. I began to pray to God, that if He truly was there, that He would reveal Himself to me. And a few weeks after the walls were let down,
it happened...
I was on a routine patrol getting ready to secure a building on the base. For the life of me, I cannot recall what the sermon was about or what exactly it was that affected me so greatly, nonetheless, like a clarion call, it came to me. Have you ever looked at something for so long that it becomes obscured to you? Have you ever looked at something for so long that you come to realize that it never truly made any sense to you to begin with? Suddenly, and inexplicably, it dawns on you what it is!
I was sitting in the patrol unit with my jaw to the floor. Incredible emotion swept through me like a shock wave. Emotion washed over me as I was enveloped by grace. I literally fell out of the vehicle, prostrate, in a semi-fetal position. Tears began to well up in my eyes, so heavy and full of burden. And there on the ground, in an unguarded moment, I wept bitterly to my Lord.
Amid the sobs were guttural groans, interrupted by a feeble attempt to express the ineffable. I begged for intercession and pleaded forgiveness. In that once-in-a-lifetime moment, I understood that which had vexed me for so long. And because I asked, I received. That was the day that I met the Ruach HaKodesh El Shaddai (the Holy Spirit of Almighty God)! After being so sick and tired, of being so sick and tired, I was saved by grace through faith in Christ Jesus.
“
Lord if you are willing, you can make me clean.’ Jesus replied, ”I am willing. Be clean.” -Matthew 8:2-3
In this book I am going to emphatically support the reasons why I believe that not only is there a God, but that
He loved the world so much that He gave His only begotten Son, for my sake and for yours. In so doing, I ask the reader to be patient with me in my attempt to appeal to the Jewishness of the Scriptures. At times, I am going to be using Greek, Latin, Aramaic and Hebrew translations to help capture the essence of the original manuscripts. For the sake of clarity and continuity, all foreign words will be followed by their respective English translation.
You may be wondering why I chose to write this; especially those of you who grew up with me who are a bit perplexed at my transformation. Let there be no ambiguity as to my reasons for writing this. I must confess that I have ulterior motives behind it. There are certain individuals that I know, whom shall remain anonymous, that the Lord has placed strongly on my heart.
To put it simply, I feel that for all who do not know the Lord personally are quite familiar with the void. Going through my own personal trials and battling my own demons, I am of the firmest belief that it is directly associated with lacking the knowledge of God-- not mentally, but spiritually. In respects to this, nothing would give me a greater satisfaction than to see them come to the knowledge of God in grace and supplication.
But, alas, I am met with trepidation and reservation. I am going to be speaking about principles that I do not always keep. In fact, I am a hypocrite, a liar, a glutton, a backbiter, an idolater, a backslider and everything unclean. I could give innumerable instances where I err and fall short to the glory of God. I know, full well, that when left to my own devises, nothing good dwells in me. After all, I have the ability either to glorify His providence or to bring it into disrepute.
Aside from the distinct fear of misrepresenting my God, I have, as well, an
Accuser who constantly derides me and points out all of my faults and reminds me of my failings. Though I lament over this, I cannot let it deter me from pressing on to the goal. My weakness is God’s strength. I must decrease but He must increase. And if bringing myself low exalts Him,
so let it be. (Amen).
“
For the Law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that, I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I wish not to do, I agree with the Law, that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who does it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me, nothing good lives; for to will, is present in me, but how to perform what is good, I do not find. For the good that I want to do, I do not do; but the evil that I do not want to do, this I keep doing. For I delight in the Law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind and bringing me into captivity to the law of my sin which is in my members. O’ wretched man that I am! Who will save me from this body of death?” -Romans 7:14-24
“
And I thank Christ Jesus our Lord who has enabled me, because He counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry, although I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent man; but I obtained mercy because I did it ignorantly in unbelief. And the grace of the Lord was exceedingly abundant, with faith and love, which are in Christ Jesus. This is a faithful saying and worthy of acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief. However, for this reason I obtained mercy, that in me first, Christ Jesus might show all, longsuffering as a pattern to those who are going to believe on Him for everlasting life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, to God who alone is wise, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen” -1st Timothy 1:12-17
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Edited by AdminPD, : Warning
"Somewhere at the back of my father's mind, at the bottom of his heart, in the depth of his soul, there was an empty space that had once been filled by God and he never found anything else to put in it... At the centre of me is always an eternally terrible pain - a curious wild pain - a searching for something beyond what the world contains." -Bertrand Russell
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