Two wrongs don't make a right (the (ir)rationality of revenge) - also gun control

This is a topic that my wife and I have discussed from time to time, because we seem to have different levels of "revenge urge", or maybe it would be more accurate to say "a desire for justice". When she sees someone behaving badly, she want's there to be a consequence, and it makes her a bit upset if it doesn't happen. Not that she is in the habit of taking matters into her own hands, vigilante style. I, on the other hand, am an old softie and it doesn't bother me so much.It's not clear to me which of our positions is more "correct". Social consequences for social misbehavior is a necessary part of keeping things running smoothly in our more or less reciprocal altruistic societies, so in that regard her attitude is helpful and mine is not. On the other hand, her attitude is more likely to give her ulcers.

I think we have a general tendency to desire retribution when we see someone benefiting unfairly, and this is not a bad thing if it has a deterrent effect, which I believe it does: if I cheat my neighbor and get caught, people in my community will have a poor opinion of me. The problem is, our desire for retribution is pretty much binary: either we have it or we don't for a particular situation; it doesn't tell us what level of punishment is appropriate for a particular offense. For that we have to rely on other things: experience, guidance of others, societal norms; and of course, our feelings. And our feelings are out for blood a lot of the time.

Hey, that's my wife your talking about! In her defense, 1) she is hardly alone in her desire; we all feel it to some extent; and 2) she doesn't only feel it when she is the victim of the original offense. If she saw that someone was cheating you somehow, she would want there to be some repercussion visited upon the cheater. In that circumstance, you might welcome those feelings in her; it might make you feel that she recognizes your pain and is on your side. You might think that I'm a bit of a prick because of my relative lack of such feelings.

I guess I'm not sure what the dilemma is. Is it that you recognize that our desire for revenge/justice can be a source of both good and evil? There are lots of things in life that are like that. Thanks!