Who's the Class Clown?

Cool... I always wanted to be a judge/frat boy/slacker. I'll pass a death sentence on some guy, pound a twelver of MGD and date rape a girl, then smoke up and play X-Box until four am, when I'll finally pass out while watching Tron.I wonder if flannel judicial robes would go well with a white UNH hat... Hey, my gavel could even double as a bong!I just don't know how all this ties in with that business about me passing out in gutters covered in puke earlier. Consistency, Hambre. We have to maintain consistency.Or if you want, you can always go back to your little John Cusak jokes. I've got a brand new newspaper today, so I'm taken care of. Mm... nothing on TV tonight. Think I'll watch those 24 DVDs...[This message has been edited by Dan Carroll, 09-30-2003]

Wow, two posts in a row of pouting. I guess I've gone and upset you. I have this terrible image of you, with your face pressed against the monitor, tears streaming down the screen. "Why? Why won't Dan give me the posts I want? I will rend my garment and curse the very heavens!"There there, Mr. Hambre. Buck up. Who's my little soldier?You want some ice cream? Yeah? Come on, we'll go get some ice cream. It's okay. Shhh. *picks li'l hambre up, pats him on the head, carries him off* Quiet, everyone. He's overdue for a nap, and he's gotten all fussy.

Oh crap, I broke him.*whacks side of Hambre's head*HAMBRE! COME BACK TO US, MAN! COME ON!Don't worry, folks. The same thing happened to my CD player last week... this is what I get for throwing out the warranty...

Incidentally, Hambre... all this "slacker" business...For a guy who (if I remember right) has gotta be pushing forty, how do you manage to stay so hip? I mean... it's like you're right on the cutting edge of 1992.

quote:

---

Don't miss these upcoming episodes, only on FOX!

---

Uch. Fox. Let's see what else is on.Ooh, one of those old B Sci-fi movies! Excellent! Hahm-Brey, the Ass That Walked Like a Man.Eh. Pretty stock plot. The army wants to use the A-bomb on Hahm-Brey, but the scientist knows that's what started Hahm-Brey's crazed, non-linear obsessive ramblings in the first place.

quote:

---

Good gracious! Now you're even using numbers against me!

---

What can I say... you didn't seem to be understanding words. It was either go to numbers, or incoherent pre-verbal growling.

Never play an ace when a two will get the job done, Hambre. When I run into something more threatening than "dumbfuck" and "cunt bubble," I'll be sure to pay it the respect it's due.Until then... jeez, again with my sex life. I realize you need to fantasize, Hambre. But please... keep it to your private spank-sessions. This is the EVC Forum, not slashfiction.com.

See? Dark Lork Cthulhu knows the score.And remember, Hambre... even if you make your way through him, you'll still have the three headed goat god Jahbulon on your ass.

Dear Mr. Hambre:Please stop writing. We understand that you have strong feelings regarding this "Dan Carroll" person, and that you feel the need to spend your lonely nights composing fake letters to him, signed with pseudonyms.However, as we have told you before, neither the Chicago Cubs, nor its parent company Tribune Media Services have any interest in your Class Clown Wars. Those stupid freakin' bobble-head dolls we sell to chumps outside the park for eighteen bucks a pop could tell that Mr. Carroll is the greater comedic talent, not to mention the superior human being. Why can't you?Sincerely,Dusty Baker
Manager, The Chicago Cubs
1060 W Addison
Chicago IL
60613

Sinking to Hambre's level. What's happened to me?I tell you, Hamby, I used to be able to feel the comedy down in my soul. I could do more with a quick, well-placed robot ninja than with every last swear in the English language.I miss those days, when the robot ninja would fight their natural enemy: the performing circus bear on a unicycle. The clang of sword on bone, the hiss of tooth on flesh, and the smell of clown feces rotting in the background.Good times.You know I used to have a small army of carnies at my beck and call, ready to bite the head right off a chicken and spit it at my detractors? They would vomit on the floor to prevent my feet from touching the ground. I asked them to stop, but apparently it's their custom.Carnies are wonderful people; planet Earth's natural antibody to the hobo infestation. Always ready with a laugh, a song, and VDs of all shapes and sizes.I had all that, and here I am trading "nuh-uh, you fuck"s with Andy Dick's stunt double.It's time to get back to my roots, Hambre. No more dancing around with fake letters and TV promos. You wanna take me on, you take on the hobos, the carnies, the robots, the midgets and the monkeys. Because they're all on my side, big man. And they're seriously pissed off.