Who's the Class Clown?

I’m opening this thread in response to comments Dan Carroll made about me in the Who’s the Gayest Poster? thread. Dan is welcome to respond, but anyone else wishing to trash Dan or loser cartoonists in general should start up his own thread in the Coffee House. I think it's clear I deserve to wear the EvC Forum Class Clown mantle, not that mere wiseass Dan.Dan, it’s reprehensible of you to call my credentials into question. Unlike the girlfriend you claim to have but no one has seen, my education is real. I have a PhD in Science from Cotter Creek University and Stockade Fencing Co. in Greensboro, Tennessee, a fully accredited place of learning with its own PO box. My thesis How We Know Stuff was an exhaustively compiled overview of the way truth is judged to be true, particularly from the objective, intellectual perspective of unquestioning Biblical literalism. I have answered the tired old arguments that my thesis consists solely of illegally photocopied pages of copyrighted material a dozen times, and will not waste time doing so again. I apologize that the CCUSFC’s records retention department has not answered your requests for a copy of the thesis, but like I said, things are up in the air there every time the shed gets painted. This thesis underwent a rigorous examination process that would reduce most doctorate candidates to mere puddles of charged particles. In fact, not only did the President and entire Board of Directors of the CCUSFC review my proposed thesis during their holiday to Savannah (happy anniversary, Greg and Sara!), but they commended me on my collating and stapling abilities. My diploma from this proud institution has hung on the wall in my study for all to see ever since it arrived at my trailer/office via FedEx. With the sunset glinting off its aluminum frame, the mailbox-sticker lettering declares through the plexiglas that I am Dr. Esteban Hambre, PhD. Before you scoff, Dan, at least realize that this baby cost me the equivalent of seventeen payments on your Corolla, okay?

Dan Carroll wouldn’t know wit if it slapped him across his nicotine-stained piehole. He calls sleeping off a champale hangover in an alleyway on Division Street fighting in the trenches of clownery? I think everyone on EvC Forum realizes that those who can’t, draw cartoons.I'm well aware that the comics biz has all the excitement of an orgy at a rest home. I’ll have you know that the satire classroom is about as treacherous an environment as any apprentice wag could ask for. In the midst of analyzing chapters of Voltaire or Swift, you never knew when an explosion would rip through the formerly hushed hallways, sending a hail of illustrated pages from Gogol flying amid the shrapnel of thick corrective lenses and charred geek flesh. And that was just the instructors keeping us on our toes. Meanwhile, I bet Scribble Boy was sitting in some hovel drinking Old Style with his greasepainted homies and watching ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.’ His only fear in life has been getting bagged for shoplifting adult diapers.But really, Dan, let’s hear some serious words from you. If you’ve learned anything from consorting with midgets and monkeys who were obviously your intellectual superiors, that is.

Oh, please, Dan. You can hardly wear the rebel hat if your view of comedy concerns Adam Sandler and frat-boy hijinx. I know you'd love to think I'm a harmless prep school wag who thinks that craven asshole Tom Lehrer is a hoot. However, I assure you I bear a closer resemblance to a Travis Bickle of comedy, a lava-surfing cut-and-slash satirist, a garish John Wayne Gacy clown come to life. When the men in blue finally gun me down in seedy Central Square, they'll find grenades beneath my moldy cassock and several ten-penny nails driven into my testicles. That's not sick, Dan, that's funny.It's one thing to point out my lack of success with women (and it wasn't my history of molestation that left me unable to get off on the same planet as any female, it's my dedication to keeping my bodily fluids at the disposal of my Art), but your comments concerning my mother in the "Lineage of Jesus" thread were totally unwarranted. You think she's the only person on the east coast who has a thing for liquid demerol? And how many times do I have to tell you she only lived with Brad McFall for two months? Leave her alone, for crying out loud, she's suffered enough.Cats? Robots? Old people? You're an amateur, Dan. I didn't waste that stint in the Marines over in Kosovo, pal. I've laughed amid mass graves, Comic Book Boy, even if I was in Supply and never really saw anything graphic. Our world is a sick, amoral sewer, and it's goddamn great comedy. Did you have your eyes closed during the twentieth century, Dan, or did you just miss all the good stuff? I was there, Dan, well I read about it anyway.

Rei,I've really missed that billboard since the town fathers let them put up that dreadful Wonderbra ad. Thanks for the memories!------------------
I would not let the chickens cross the antidote road because I was already hospitlized for trying to say this!-Brad McFall

Dan,Did you have a tiring evening out on the town, sharing a Leinenkugel with the missus and scouring the Corrolla's ashtray for roaches? Get in at just-after-midnight reeking of cheap soy sauce and William Penn Perfectos, dazed from all the orgiastic depravity that eight bucks can buy? A little strapped for inspiration after paying such rip-roaring tribute to your Goddess?Yeah, I had you pegged all wrong, Inky. Here I was thinking you were SNL, when you're actually Wide World of Sports. Funny comes so natural to you that you need a guest speaker, and a former football announcer at that. Pardon me while I cower.Dan, can I point out that you just got your ass handed to you by Brad? At least I think that's what he did. He won't return mom's calls anymore, but he's got verbiage to waste on the likes of you. Go figure.So what's next, Dan the Man? Do I have to fear an attack from Borscht Belt yuksters or prop comedians? This is definitely giving me Balkan flashbacks, waiting for the next round of artillery fire from Carrot Top.

Dan, leveling the playing field here would require you to shove a coat hanger through my eye socket and wiggle it around. Unlikely as I am to stand still for such impromptu brain surgery, I think you're going to have to keep relying on your impressions of not-so-famous-anymore television comedians. And that's not helping your cause.I don't think you've enjoyed a 'relationship' with anything that hasn't dropped out of a marmoset's ass, okay? I've had my suspicions that you call anyone who would call an ambulance for you after you fell off the barstool a girlfriend, even if she borrowed someone else's cell phone so she wouldn't waste her evening minutes on some drunk bleeding from his skull through a balloon hat.And hey, B. Kliban, I'm fairly certain the only thing you've ever poured your blood and sweat and bile into is the toilet at McGeezer's. Comic books are your specialty? Your monkey friends have probably inadvertently painted more impressive creations on the sidewalk with their shit-stained tails while evading your amorous advances.Look out, military-industrial complex, Dan the Man is out in full hobo-killing mode. What a rebel.

Once again, Dan, I'm so impressed that the force of your destructive anger is being focused on those who are most deserving of it, namely, homeless people. You must believe that hobos possess immense hidden power in our society that makes them legitimate targets for your rage. Otherwise I'd be inclined to consider your wino-killing lesson an admission of your pointless impotence. But your being a cartoonist in the first place already tells us that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going all PC/Rrhain on your admittedly sorry ass, but hobos just don't pose the threat to me that they seem to represent to you.Again, why you bother repeatedly bringing Mater into the discussion is beyond me. It's a good thing she's got no Internet access at the clinic. I can't be held responsible for anything the Pride of Ithaca himself may say in retaliation for your crass behavior concerning my mother. I can't say I'll make head or tail out of it if he does either. But you've been warned.Learning valuable lessons isn't on your agenda for the remainder of your resource-draining existence, Far Side boy. You couldn't tell real comedy from monkey shit, and an understanding of subtlety is something that your career decision to become a midget tosser may indicate you lack.

May Dan C., for causing such pain
To hobos asleep in the rain
A sawbuck receive
And spunk on his sleeve
From servicing John on the train.

Dan,You’re unbelievable. Literally. The insane conspiracy theories that fire the imaginations of you cartoon people, I swear. Your fellow animated character Fred Williams is behind all this, as I found out one day when Fred and I were walking through Kenmore Square. We were looking for boys who---well, let’s just say we were walking through Kenmore Square. A young homeless fella comes up and bums a buck off me (I somehow resisted the urge to set him alight, you sick bastard). Fred watches him walk off and says, I mean asserts, These bums are getting younger all the time. That’s where it started. Yeah, you’ve read all his Homeless People Are Aliens and Winos Disprove the Evolution Fairy Tale! threads, and I think something just snapped in him that day in Boston’s Back Bay.I want to make it clear to you people: the bums are NOT getting younger. They are DIFFERENT bums, just younger ones. If you’d stop listening to Syamsu’s nonsense about ‘not comparing the winos, just gauging their reproductive success,’ your time would be a lot better spent, believe me. I know Fred has gone to great lengths to convince people that there’s a big cover up, and he seems to have convinced you too, Dan. The truth is that there is no reason to bludgeon hobos or set homeless people on fire. There is no fountain-of-youth conspiracy (the ‘studies’ Fred quoted to Mammuthus turned out to be bogus) and I want to register my disdain for anyone gullible enough to have fallen for such a transparent hoax.Of course, you’ll just reply that I’m in on the conspiracy. That would be, well, nonsense.

According to FOX News, this weekend was an eventful one:-In Indonesia, a fat student was dragged from the computer room of the East Nganjuk library and severely beaten in the street while several bystanders, including police officers and members of the victim's family, cheered on the savage attack. The thugs considered responsible for the assault ignored the young victim's cries for them to just go away and are expected to be charged with littering.-In Munich, a man was arrested for running through the beer stalls at Oktoberfest naked except for copious body hair and a wooly elephant mask, making lewd requests of female patrons for a testable hypothesis concerning his private parts. Since he did not interrupt mass transit schedules, he was de-loused and released.-In San Diego, a protest against the heterocentric white capitalist patriarchy ended in tragedy as a participant fell from the podium after leading the crowd in a rousing rendition of that song from 'Annie Get Your Gun.' The victim was treated for minor injuries and lost his adhesive goatee in the fall. He was released on bail after being charged with second-degree irrelevance and conspiracy to annoy. Females in the audience reported that he finished way too soon.-In Chicago, a man in a soiled clown suit was treated for burns after attacking and setting fire to himself in a South Side alleyway. He showed all indications of being inebriated and only able to remember one joke. Doctors described the victim as a hopeless nutjob. When pressed for a second opinion, they said he smelled. He was released into the care of his imaginary girlfriend.[This message has been edited by MrHambre, 09-29-2003]

The scourge of pan-hoboism is threatening to cheapen this debate, which has until now maintained a sophisticated tone and centered on pertinent subjects such as monkey feces and nonexistent gash. It’s clear that the conspiracy theorists here at EvCvH have monopolized the dialogue, by making every thread conform to their bizarre world view.For instance, a heartwarming thread called Did My Bunny Go To Heaven? was started by a very sincere new poster named PapaSmurf (though the thread was later relocated by Percy from the Big Bang and Cosmology forum). Soon, however, the hoboists had their seamy way with the thread, treating it like a weak boy during his first shower in the joint. No less than ten pages of posts were submitted by rude louts such as ScrotumBolt and fistmelikeapro arguing that hoboism was the only viable scientific model, ignoring the topic rather egregiously. Rei posted several dozen replies in the course of an hour, but to no avail.Fred Williams has begun nearly a hundred threads like Wino Stench is Irreducibly Complex and The Bums who Destroyed the Darwinist Illusion, in which he expounds upon his half-assed theories. I can’t help but blame Crashfrog and holmes for encouraging him, spending too much time pointing out patiently the holes in his inane assertions that hobos 1) control the scientific establishment, 2) direct funding away from programs that might shed light on the hoboist conspiracy, and 3) support a vast media cover-up to portray hobos as pathetic, harmless losers with substance abuse issues. The latest entry is Brother, Can You Spare a Paradigm Shift?, currently at 191 posts over in the Is it Science? forum. {Added by edit:} Sorry, 192. Crashfrog strikes again. {Added by edit:} Sorry, 193.Dan Carroll has taken responsibility for this totally groundless paranoia. I think he owes us an explanation, delivered by alleged comedian Adam Sandler. How ‘bout it, Dan?

Dear Dan,This is wicked hard for me. I wanted to say this when we were at the track on Saturday but I guess I just couldnt bring myself to. No matter what, I still have feelings for you and Id hate to see you upset ever again like that time I mentioned condoms when you took your pants off in the cab. Im sorry this has to be done through e-mail, but Im scared of what you’ll do if I say it in person.When we first met I thought you were wicked nice. I never knew a cartoonist before and I always thought they, like, drew cartoons and stuff. I was surprised that you never really worked. I dont know how you got my bank card but I dont think it was cool that you spent all the money I made at the A&W on pot and glue. I guess my mom and dad and sister and best friend and therapist and neighbor and driving instructor were right about you.I didnt mind going to that first comics convention with you, but dont you remember me asking why cant we go to fun places that I like too? Then it was cartoon movie festivals and more comic book stuff and the Shellac concert and comics stores and other really boring stuff. Dont you ever read like, a real book with words or see a movie with real people? I think you never had all those other girlfriends you said really liked comic books. There, I said it. And they probably never drove all the way to Cicero or Oak Lawn to bail you out, either, you liar.And I dont think those other girlfriends would of let you do the stuff you did to me, you know what I mean. You think just because your not big it doesnt hurt the other way, but thats all youll ever do. Why cant you ever do it normal, without hockey masks and pictures of amputees and Pee Wee’s Playhouse playing all the time?Im sorry, but I think I deserve better than you. I have sixteen years of life experience behind me and Im a wiser person then when I met you.Sarah[This message has been edited by MrHambre, 09-29-2003]

Dan,This is the second post today in which you've alluded to John Cusack. How many times are you going to inflame my jealousy with your fave Hollywood hunk? We had to see that wretched movie "Serendipity" like five times. I'm glad you had briefly left me for that burly cop when "Identity" came out. I won't share your heart with anyone, like I've told your answering machine a million times.Quit playing with me, Dan. Your lips say "restraining order" but your eyes say "come and get it!"

Dan, I apologize for trying to remind you of what we shared. Okay, call me a crazy bean-counter, call me a psycho, call me a "disturbed individual against whose constant unwelcome attentions the plaintiff seeks the protection afforded him by the 14th amendment as well as common human decency." But say it with your heart, Dan.I have to go, Dan. I have a bus to catch and you know how long it takes me to get the prostheses hooked up right when I've been drinking all day. If instead of the bus to Chillcothe I end up sprawled and groaning on the sidewalk off Lake Meadows Park, I hope the thought of your beloved John Cusack will soothe your conscience.

Hey Dan,Since we all know what a pathetic hand you are at mimicry, you can drop the audition-judge routine before you make yourself seem even more mediocre and sad than you already do. Your frat-boy imagination is in no way worthy to judge anyone else's level of wit, okay, Mean Simon?As soon as you're done with your undeserved condescension, you can take your own advice and think real hard yourself. Maybe you'll be able to come up with something that smacks of effort and/or originality. Of course, my prediction is that you'll produce the slacker get-out-of-trying-free card like you always do, and then you'll pretend the shit is gold. Prove me wrong. Or something.[This message has been edited by MrHambre, 09-29-2003]