Hi, Cavediver.
I've had a rather different experience so far. Over the last 3-4 years of immersion in science, I've become progressively less theistic in my beliefs, until I now regard myself as essentially agnostic, even though I still go to church and participate.
But, I think, like you, there will always be the moments when I forget the changes that have taken place. When I here people talk about "going inactive" or "leaving the church," it still feels sad to me, because that's always been a "bad" thing.
I actually performed an ordinance in church on Sunday, something that's supposed to be accomplishable only by being "in tune" with the Spirit. I actually had to pronounce blessings on someone that came from God. And, several people told me how inspired it was. Amazingly, I didn't feel inspired when I did it: I just did it. And, despite the claims that people can discern the Spirit, I feel like I faked it, and got away with it. I always do.
Where our experiences diverge is that this kind of depresses me. I'm not yet at a stage where I can embrace the lack of divine orchestration in things: I still want to believe that there is something magical or special about my place in the universe. Particularly, the idea of death depresses me: I still want to believe that I will live forever, and that I will always have my wife and children with me.
I've actually become quite paranoid about it: I regularly have nightmares about my wife dying and leaving me alone. Of course, I'm prone to depression anyway, so this isn't a big deal. But, when I had strong theistic beliefs, I could always comfort myself by reminding myself that she and I would never truly be apart. Now, though, remembering her fondly would be the only way to deal with it, and that's just not good enough. Despite the common movie line, she would not "still exist in my heart": she would be gone. And, I don't want that.
Maybe someday I'll be able to grow up and conquer the paranoia, but I'm not there yet.
-Bluejay (a.k.a. Mantis, Thylacosmilus)
Darwin loves you.
™ Version 4.2
