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Author Topic:   God has a sense of humor
Steve
Inactive Member


Message 1 of 62 (117071)
06-21-2004 9:50 AM


God, The Bear, & an Atheist
The Atheist
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years,
teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through our Lord Amen."
This message has been edited by steve, 06-21-2004 08:51 AM

Replies to this message:
 Message 3 by Unseul, posted 06-21-2004 12:19 PM Steve has not replied
 Message 4 by nator, posted 06-21-2004 12:19 PM Steve has replied
 Message 7 by Rand Al'Thor, posted 06-22-2004 1:37 AM Steve has not replied
 Message 13 by Rrhain, posted 06-22-2004 4:44 AM Steve has replied
 Message 22 by coffee_addict, posted 06-23-2004 1:16 PM Steve has not replied
 Message 23 by jar, posted 06-23-2004 1:29 PM Steve has not replied

  
AdminAsgara
Administrator (Idle past 2303 days)
Posts: 2073
From: The Universe
Joined: 10-11-2003


Message 2 of 62 (117110)
06-21-2004 12:13 PM


Thread moved here from the Proposed New Topics forum.

  
Unseul
Inactive Member


Message 3 of 62 (117112)
06-21-2004 12:19 PM
Reply to: Message 1 by Steve
06-21-2004 9:50 AM


Course theres always the dyslexic christian going around believing in almight dog too.
Unseul

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life....
Do unto others before they do unto you.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by Steve, posted 06-21-2004 9:50 AM Steve has not replied

  
nator
Member (Idle past 2170 days)
Posts: 12961
From: Ann Arbor
Joined: 12-09-2001


Message 4 of 62 (117113)
06-21-2004 12:19 PM
Reply to: Message 1 by Steve
06-21-2004 9:50 AM


So, God screws you even if you believe in him, huh?
Funny joke, though.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by Steve, posted 06-21-2004 9:50 AM Steve has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 5 by Steve, posted 06-21-2004 3:26 PM nator has replied

  
Steve
Inactive Member


Message 5 of 62 (117188)
06-21-2004 3:26 PM
Reply to: Message 4 by nator
06-21-2004 12:19 PM


Typical athiestic reponse.
However, the answer is no, God allows the sower to reap what he has sowed.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 4 by nator, posted 06-21-2004 12:19 PM nator has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 6 by jar, posted 06-22-2004 12:57 AM Steve has not replied
 Message 8 by crashfrog, posted 06-22-2004 1:56 AM Steve has not replied
 Message 28 by nator, posted 06-23-2004 6:59 PM Steve has replied

  
jar
Member (Idle past 394 days)
Posts: 34026
From: Texas!!
Joined: 04-20-2004


Message 6 of 62 (117390)
06-22-2004 12:57 AM
Reply to: Message 5 by Steve
06-21-2004 3:26 PM


A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Aslan is not a Tame Lion

This message is a reply to:
 Message 5 by Steve, posted 06-21-2004 3:26 PM Steve has not replied

  
Rand Al'Thor
Inactive Member


Message 7 of 62 (117401)
06-22-2004 1:37 AM
Reply to: Message 1 by Steve
06-21-2004 9:50 AM


The guy ran the wrong way. He ran up the path, uphill. He should have run down the path downhill. (This is assuming the bear wasn't blocking the way) Bears go slower downhill than uphill so, had he gone downhill he might have had a chance. Not that this has anything to do with the joke. I just thought I'd say.
Besides, if god is as much as an ass as the joke makes him out to be, then the guy was probably better off in hell.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by Steve, posted 06-21-2004 9:50 AM Steve has not replied

  
crashfrog
Member (Idle past 1467 days)
Posts: 19762
From: Silver Spring, MD
Joined: 03-20-2003


Message 8 of 62 (117403)
06-22-2004 1:56 AM
Reply to: Message 5 by Steve
06-21-2004 3:26 PM


Typical athiestic reponse.
Steve, why do you hate atheists so much? It seems like every time you post there's some sideways dig at atheism.
All we've ever wanted to do as atheists is not have folks prevent our free excercise of religion by making us worship a god we don't believe exists. All we've ever wanted to do is live by the rules that are good for society, not the rules found in a 2000-year-old book. All we've ever wanted to do is ensure freedom and equality for all people, not just the people who believe the same as us, or as you.
Believe what you want, Steve. Nobody's stopping you or trying to make you have less rights than anyone else. But it'd be nice if you could afford us the same courtesy.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 5 by Steve, posted 06-21-2004 3:26 PM Steve has not replied

  
Rand Al'Thor
Inactive Member


Message 9 of 62 (117404)
06-22-2004 1:56 AM


How about this:
One day a guy was crossing the street when he got splattered by a bus. When the guy opened his eyes after being hit he finds himself on a tropical beach with beautiful topless woman wandering about. The man is a little freaked out by this but he feels relieved that he must have ended up in heaven. As he makes to go towards the women he notices that there is a great long wooden fence stretching down the beach. As he walks up to this fence he hears horrible screaming and yelling as if people are being tortured on the other side.
So, the man starts off down the beach trying to find a hole in the fence where he can look through and see what is happening to all of those people. Suddenly as he is walking he sees the devil walking up the beach towards him.
When the devil finally reaches the man he says, "Hello! Welcome to hell."
The guy looks back at the fence and says, "Wait, if I am in hell then what is on the other side of that fence?"
The devil chuckles and says, "Oh, that is hell too. That is just where all the Christians go, they seem to prefer it that way."

  
crashfrog
Member (Idle past 1467 days)
Posts: 19762
From: Silver Spring, MD
Joined: 03-20-2003


Message 10 of 62 (117410)
06-22-2004 3:01 AM


A pastor, a rabbi, and an atheist are out playing golf. On the back 9 they stumble across a big bag of money. Overjoyed, they agree to split it amongst themselves and donate it to the church, the temple, and the atheist organization.
"Wait," says the pastor. "We must also give a share to God, from whom all blessings flow. What we'll do is, we'll draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air. The money that lands inside the circle, we give back to God."
"I've got a better idea," says the rabbi. "We draw a circle on the ground, toss the money in the air, and whatever lands outside the circle, we give to God."
"You're both wrong," says the atheist. "We draw the circle on the ground, toss the money in the air, and whatever God wants - he keeps!"
Ba-dum-bum.

Replies to this message:
 Message 11 by coffee_addict, posted 06-22-2004 4:22 AM crashfrog has replied

  
coffee_addict
Member (Idle past 477 days)
Posts: 3645
From: Indianapolis, IN
Joined: 03-29-2004


Message 11 of 62 (117416)
06-22-2004 4:22 AM
Reply to: Message 10 by crashfrog
06-22-2004 3:01 AM


Hehehe, that's pretty funny, as are all the jokes here. I could have sworn I heard another version of this one where there's a catholic priest, a pastor, and a rabbi with that bag of money. The rabbi ended up being the one that said god should keep whatever money it wants.

The Laminator

This message is a reply to:
 Message 10 by crashfrog, posted 06-22-2004 3:01 AM crashfrog has replied

Replies to this message:
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crashfrog
Member (Idle past 1467 days)
Posts: 19762
From: Silver Spring, MD
Joined: 03-20-2003


Message 12 of 62 (117418)
06-22-2004 4:31 AM
Reply to: Message 11 by coffee_addict
06-22-2004 4:22 AM


The rabbi ended up being the one that said god should keep whatever money it wants.
When there's a joke that seems to perpretrate a stereotype against an ethnicity/religion - ala "Jews are selfish" - I change the butt of the joke to be something that I am. One can hardly be accused of perpetrating Italian stereotypes (for instance) when one is Italian oneself.

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Rrhain
Member
Posts: 6351
From: San Diego, CA, USA
Joined: 05-03-2003


Message 13 of 62 (117421)
06-22-2004 4:44 AM
Reply to: Message 1 by Steve
06-21-2004 9:50 AM


steve copies an old, tired joke:
quote:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
"Now, yes. You never showed yourself, never complained about what we were doing, and did everything to make it look exactly like you had nothing to do with it. And here you are whining that I decided to use my supposedly god-given intelligence to make sense of the world around me when apparently I should have denied everything the universe told me for a single cultural story out of a thousand? A story which if I had not been born into the culture in which I was I never would have heard of? Hell, before I came to the conclusion that you didn't exist, I asked you ten thousand times to give me a sign that I could understand and you didn't even have the decency to respond, Mr. All-Powerful, All-Knowing, All-Seeing.
"You choose now finally to getting around and calling me back? And this is somehow my problem?"
Hmmm...when you make the atheist something other than a blithering idiot, the joke isn't nearly as funny.
Here's one:
What's the difference between a theist and an atheist?
A theist says that of the 1,000 religions in the world, 999 of them are wrong.
An atheist doesn't make an exception for that last one.

Rrhain
WWJD? JWRTFM!

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by Steve, posted 06-21-2004 9:50 AM Steve has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 14 by Steve, posted 06-22-2004 11:32 AM Rrhain has replied

  
Steve
Inactive Member


Message 14 of 62 (117493)
06-22-2004 11:32 AM
Reply to: Message 13 by Rrhain
06-22-2004 4:44 AM


Um, I'm not Jewish, and I didn't grow up Christian and I live in America in a time when it has wandered far from its Christian heritage, but I count myself a believer now.
Seek Him and you will find Him. That's what it says. It doesn't say prove yourself to me and then I will believe you.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 13 by Rrhain, posted 06-22-2004 4:44 AM Rrhain has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 16 by Cthulhu, posted 06-22-2004 10:00 PM Steve has replied
 Message 18 by Rrhain, posted 06-22-2004 11:38 PM Steve has replied

  
Mission for Truth
Inactive Member


Message 15 of 62 (117660)
06-22-2004 8:19 PM


Q: Why did God create man first?
A: Because he didn't want advise on how to do it!

Replies to this message:
 Message 36 by nator, posted 06-24-2004 10:25 AM Mission for Truth has not replied

  
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