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Author Topic:   Memorable Insults
Tangle
Member
Posts: 9489
From: UK
Joined: 10-07-2011
Member Rating: 4.9


Message 1 of 14 (766945)
08-24-2015 1:02 PM


I came across this insult from one lawyer to another and rather admired it:
" .... closed-minded, self-righteous, vindictive and gonad-grindingly pig-thick cockwomble whose incapacity for compassion or deductive reasoning represents a regrettable blight on the institution of summary justice.'
I particularly like the use of the word 'cockwomble' which has various definitions, none of which are pleasant but almost all are pleasing. It's worth a moment or two on the urban dictionary - which revealed another interesting variant, the whompercunt who is just a tad stupider than the cockwomble.
Urban Dictionary: Cockwomble
And who could forget Monty Python's "I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hampster and your father smelled of elderberries"
"You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malouderless pervert."
Any contributions?

Je suis Charlie. Je suis Ahmed. Je suis Juif.
Life, don't talk to me about life - Marvin the Paranoid Android
"Science adjusts it's views based on what's observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved."
- Tim Minchin, in his beat poem, Storm.

Replies to this message:
 Message 2 by ringo, posted 08-24-2015 1:10 PM Tangle has not replied
 Message 3 by New Cat's Eye, posted 08-24-2015 1:12 PM Tangle has not replied
 Message 10 by Jon, posted 08-25-2015 7:56 AM Tangle has not replied
 Message 12 by ooh-child, posted 08-26-2015 12:53 PM Tangle has not replied

  
ringo
Member (Idle past 412 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


Message 2 of 14 (766946)
08-24-2015 1:10 PM
Reply to: Message 1 by Tangle
08-24-2015 1:02 PM


I prefer my insults more subtle and concise:
You: "I went past your house last night."
Me: "Thanks. I appreciate it."

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by Tangle, posted 08-24-2015 1:02 PM Tangle has not replied

  
New Cat's Eye
Inactive Member


Message 3 of 14 (766947)
08-24-2015 1:12 PM
Reply to: Message 1 by Tangle
08-24-2015 1:02 PM


This is more of a threat than an insult, but it's certainly memorable:
"I'll say it right to his face in cursive because he knows if he comes over, I'll scissor kick his gizzard and break his karate artery."
-Donnie Baker
https://youtu.be/FhQDsKoMCz0?t=1m3s
Its worth watching the whole 2 minutes, where you'll hear insults like:
"we ain't supposed to have livestock in this neighborhood and yet you married a sea cow."
and
"She was eating Bugles like Nabisco needed their bags back"
Edited by Cat Sci, : typos

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by Tangle, posted 08-24-2015 1:02 PM Tangle has not replied

  
Coyote
Member (Idle past 2106 days)
Posts: 6117
Joined: 01-12-2008


Message 4 of 14 (766948)
08-24-2015 1:14 PM


The flame to end all flames
flame
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.
You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselfs in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you ckoke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of your of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

Religious belief does not constitute scientific evidence, nor does it convey scientific knowledge.
Belief gets in the way of learning--Robert A. Heinlein
How can I possibly put a new idea into your heads, if I do not first remove your delusions?--Robert A. Heinlein
It's not what we don't know that hurts, it's what we know that ain't so--Will Rogers
If I am entitled to something, someone else is obliged to pay--Jerry Pournelle
If a religion's teachings are true, then it should have nothing to fear from science...--dwise1
"Multiculturalism" demands that the US be tolerant of everything except its own past, culture, traditions, and identity.

Replies to this message:
 Message 5 by ringo, posted 08-24-2015 1:16 PM Coyote has not replied

  
ringo
Member (Idle past 412 days)
Posts: 20940
From: frozen wasteland
Joined: 03-23-2005


Message 5 of 14 (766949)
08-24-2015 1:16 PM
Reply to: Message 4 by Coyote
08-24-2015 1:14 PM


Re: The flame to end all flames
"Thanks for not being on my side."

This message is a reply to:
 Message 4 by Coyote, posted 08-24-2015 1:14 PM Coyote has not replied

  
1.61803
Member (Idle past 1504 days)
Posts: 2928
From: Lone Star State USA
Joined: 02-19-2004


(1)
Message 6 of 14 (766950)
08-24-2015 1:26 PM


Two wrong feet
"No we didn't start on the wrong foot that's all you have lady;
two wrong feet and fucking ugly shoes."
~ Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich

"You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative" William S. Burroughs

  
Dr Adequate
Member (Idle past 284 days)
Posts: 16113
Joined: 07-20-2006


Message 7 of 14 (766953)
08-24-2015 1:50 PM


"Whoreson, beetle-headed, flap-eared knave."

  
xongsmith
Member
Posts: 2578
From: massachusetts US
Joined: 01-01-2009
Member Rating: 6.8


Message 8 of 14 (766960)
08-24-2015 2:29 PM


"I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is
To see you"
- b.dylan

- xongsmith, 5.7d

  
MrHambre
Member (Idle past 1393 days)
Posts: 1495
From: Framingham, MA, USA
Joined: 06-23-2003


(1)
Message 9 of 14 (766961)
08-24-2015 2:35 PM


The Churchill Wit
The celebrated American author Christopher Morley has written, It’s all very easy to become a legend. The difficult thing is not to lose your humanity in doing it. He goes on to conclude that there are far too many legends as far too few men. Statesman, politician, soldier, orator, sportsman, writer, and amateur artist, in a lifetime that spanned ninety years, Winston Spencer Churchill wore many hats besides the traditional black homburg in which he was so photographed, and yet the legend never overshadowed the man. Perhaps that is because, whether the fate of nations hung on his words or merely the fate of a dinner party, Sir Winston never lost the precious gift of humor. Just as the history books will record his deeds, we of the National Lampoon would like to recall the wit that tempered those deeds. For is not part of greatness the ability of a man to laugh, not only at himself, but, more importantly, at others?
Michael O’Donoghue
* * *
When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to the opening night of his new play with a note that read: Bring a friend, if you have one, Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: You and your play can go fuck yourselves.
* * *
At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table to remark, If you were my husband, Winston, I’d poison your coffee.
And if you were my wife, I’d beat the shit out of you, came Churchill’s unhesitating retort.
* * *
While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
They’re assholes, sir, he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a whimsical smile, They’re assholes.
* * *
Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, said, Winston, you’re drunk. Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, Shove it up your ass, you ugly cunt.
* * *
During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London, Prime Minster Churchill went on the air to address the British People. I read in this morning’s paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England’s neck like that of a chicken, he began, and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow as approached by a well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent his misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, ‘Eat it raw, fuzz-nuts.'
* * *
Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, Mr. Churchill, I care for neither your politics nor your moustache.
Unabashed, the young statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, then wryly commented, Suck my dick.
* * *
Sir Winston carried on a life-long feud with Labour party leader Aneurin Bevin and, on one occasion, while Mr. Bevin was delivering an unusually long speech to the House of Commons, Churchill slumped into his seat and appeared to doze off. When Bevan noticed this, he inquired in his loudest voice, Must the right honorable gentleman fall asleep during my speech? Receiving no reply, Mr. Bevan continued until, a few minutes later, the sound of snoring was distinctly audible to all present. This time Mr. Bevin slammed his hand on the rail and shouted, Until now, the Conservative party had usually managed to conceal the fact that it was asleep. Without even opening his eyes, Churchill quipped, Flake off, touch-hole and unconcernedly resumed his nap.
* * *
Churchill was given to reading to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at the White House, he became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the president was wheeled into Churchill’s quarters only to be informed that the prime minister had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, What are you staring at, homo?

  
Jon
Inactive Member


(1)
Message 10 of 14 (767005)
08-25-2015 7:56 AM
Reply to: Message 1 by Tangle
08-24-2015 1:02 PM


Any contributions?
Being called you!
(Message 43)

Love your enemies!

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by Tangle, posted 08-24-2015 1:02 PM Tangle has not replied

  
Dogmafood
Member (Idle past 349 days)
Posts: 1815
From: Ontario Canada
Joined: 08-04-2010


(1)
Message 11 of 14 (767123)
08-26-2015 9:04 AM


Was it Dr Jones or Capt Stormfield who said
'Is language your first language?'

  
ooh-child
Member (Idle past 344 days)
Posts: 242
Joined: 04-10-2009


Message 12 of 14 (767151)
08-26-2015 12:53 PM
Reply to: Message 1 by Tangle
08-24-2015 1:02 PM


A recent headline: "Dumber than Bean Dip"
Cuz I hate bean dip.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by Tangle, posted 08-24-2015 1:02 PM Tangle has not replied

  
AZPaul3
Member
Posts: 8513
From: Phoenix
Joined: 11-06-2006
Member Rating: 5.3


Message 13 of 14 (767154)
08-26-2015 1:27 PM


Your family tree is a cactus, because everybody on it is a prick.
It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork.
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
When you were born the doctor turned around and slapped your mother.
The best part of you ran down your mama's ass and wound up as a brown stain on the mattress.
What you have just said is one of most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.
You're dumber than a bag of hammers.
She: Does this skirt make me look fat?
He: Don’t blame the skirt.
Edited by AZPaul3, : No reason given.
Edited by AZPaul3, : No reason given.

Replies to this message:
 Message 14 by Faith, posted 08-26-2015 1:48 PM AZPaul3 has seen this message but not replied

  
Faith 
Suspended Member (Idle past 1444 days)
Posts: 35298
From: Nevada, USA
Joined: 10-06-2001


Message 14 of 14 (767157)
08-26-2015 1:48 PM
Reply to: Message 13 by AZPaul3
08-26-2015 1:27 PM


You're dumber than a bag of hammers.
Or "box of rocks."

This message is a reply to:
 Message 13 by AZPaul3, posted 08-26-2015 1:27 PM AZPaul3 has seen this message but not replied

  
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