Broken Thinking Skills & Pointless Discussion

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Growing up I was a fairly typical young man. I had parents and a sister that loved me. I was never without anything thing that sustains life or lacked amenities that might have enhanced it. I had a multitude of friends. I was athletic and healthy. I was musically inclined. For all intents and purposes, I had every conceivable reason to be successful in whatever desire I sought to endeavor. Despite all my worldly blessings and achievements, a life once seemingly clear, grew dismal.

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Always make a practice of provoking your own mind to think out what it accepts easily. Our position is not ours until we make it ours by suffering. The author who benefits you the most is not the one who told you something you didn’t know before, but the one who gives expression to the truth that has been dumbly struggling in you for utterance. —Oswald Chambers

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This quote, paraphrased from one of the great Christian apologists, has summed up the ‘expression to the truth that has been dumbly struggling in (me) for utterance.’ As well, I pray that I might be that author who gives to you the expression to the truth that has been been dumbly struggling in you for utterance. Where should I begin?

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It seems that for as long as I can remember, I have toiled and agonized with the ‘void.’ The void: What is it? The void is that curious sense of lack; that nagging sense that something is missing. It is that place of emptiness inside the human heart. The void is that peculiar intuition that something is amiss or awry, but you aren’t sure why. The void is ever-present in all facets of human thought and emotion. I found this inequality to be true in my own experience, recognizing that it was separate from intellect, meaning, I could not think my way out of it. The void spurns the logical and any attempt to rationalize it ends with disparaging results. The void is a quandary and a vexation of sorts. The whole of life becomes so much more than just enigmatic. It is the missing piece of the puzzle. As more variables appeared I was confronted with a maze of obstacles. The twists and turns sent me roundabout until I came full circle, from where I began. I became the proverbial dog who chases his own tail. What I thought was reality became illusory. What I thought was truth was anything but and it chastened me.

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From this position it had caused me to consider the philosophical questions that enter our minds from time to time. I have always found it tremendously interesting to ponder the deeper aspects of such notions and to observe how others have formulated their own conclusions. Gaining perspectives on others allowed me to assimilate my views from theirs, through comparison and contrast. It inevitably led me even further into the uncomfortable journey of introspection. Unfortunately, I had no idea what it was that I was looking for and certainly did not know how to find it. The only thing certain for me was that intangible pang in my heart. It was haunting and nothing seemed to offer any solace. I searched through vain and temporal avenues seeking restitution, but reprieve from it constantly alluded me. There were no lines of demarcation; where a boundary began and where it would end. And so, I sought the council of those I deemed to be wise, hoping that they had some insight on life that I was failing to grasp. To my dismay, they were just as lost as I was, and perhaps more so, because at least I could admit it to myself. These self-help gurus wore pride as a necklace and were blinded by their own convoluted sense of self-worth. At this point in time I had heard all the arguments to support this or that religion or to meditate on this or that philosophy but it all left a bad taste in my mouth. All that I gave ear to began sounding like a broken record. Today’s discourse was merely a carbon copy of yesterdays rant. The former was a slight gradation of the latter, with a subtle twist. It was the same mouthful of mouthwash just swishing to the other side of the cheek. The understanding that I had hoped to find in them was either fleeting or elusive, altogether. Meanwhile, I suffered in quiet desperation as one day melted seamlessly into the next. I am sure those closest to me sensed some level of despair in me, but I doubt they understood the breadth and depth of its extent. Life was grievous to me and what I thought was reality was now faade. Growing weary with cynicism, I eventually embraced agnosticism but not before weighing the juxtaposition of religiosity and philosophy - Confucianism, Taoism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Atheism, Rationalism, and the like. Some of the ‘ism’ schism caught my eye but they were quickly put to death for a lack of, what, I do not know. I had been witnessed to by virtually every Christian denomination imaginable. They were either weak in their faith and thus, could not present an argument that was dismantled in moments, or I had put up walls in which to shut them out. And so, for years, I was at the crossroads of ambivalence, not knowing up from down.

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Something new was in the air as Alexan spoke; something new on the horizon had dawned. Ironically enough, I did not feel some resplendent bliss that one might associate with the prospect of someone coming to terms with a fixed belief. Nay, but rather, it was dread. It was insidious and I could feel it in the pit of my gut. An uneasy feeling came over and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. The air was stagnate and there was a ringing in my ear. ‘Something’ knew it had been discovered as I becoming increasingly aware of its presence and it is aversion to having me hear what she had to say about God. In spite of this, it could not keep me away from Him. The bondages of oppression began to lift throughout the conversation.

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A few weeks after that experience, I had opened myself increasingly to the possibility of an omnipotent, omniscient, and omni-benevolent presence. I wasn’t entirely sold out on the notion just yet, but I was allowing the possibility to flourish instead of stifling it as I had done for so many years. I began to listen to sermons on the radio and started to read the Bible with understanding. I was able to discern that which I could not recognize before. The Word became a catalyst to a consuming flame. I began to pray to God, that if He truly was there, that He would reveal Himself to me. And a few weeks after the walls were let down, it happened...

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I was on a routine patrol getting ready to secure a building on the base. For the life of me, I cannot recall what the sermon was about or what exactly it was that affected me so greatly, nonetheless, like a clarion call, it came to me. Have you ever looked at something for so long that it becomes obscured to you? Have you ever looked at something for so long that you come to realize that it never truly made any sense to you to begin with? Suddenly and inexplicably, it dawns on you what it is! I was sitting in the patrol unit with my jaw to the floor. Incredible emotion swept through me like a shock wave. Emotion washed over me as I was enveloped by grace. I literally fell out of the vehicle, prostrate, in a semi-fetal position. Tears began to well up in my eyes, so heavy and full of burden. And there on the ground, in an unguarded moment, I wept bitterly to my Lord. Amid the sobs were guttural groans, interrupted by a feeble attempt to express the ineffable. I begged for intercession and pleaded forgiveness. In that once-in-a-lifetime moment, I understood that which had vexed me for so long. And because I asked, I received. That was the day that I met the Holy Spirit of Almighty God! After being so sick and tired, of being so sick and tired, I was saved by grace through faith in Christ Jesus.

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Lord if you are willing, you can make me clean.’ Jesus replied, ‘I am willing. Be clean. —Matthew 8:2-3

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