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Author Topic:   The "Real Story"
Member (Idle past 5980 days)
Posts: 3228
Joined: 01-09-2002

Message 1 of 5 (337096)
07-31-2006 11:16 PM

The following is inspired by jar's statement of belief and subsequent discussion on (now) two threads. I'm pretty sure this fictionalized account is roughly in line with the OP statement of belief. Although somewhat tongue-in-cheek, I think it's pretty internally consistent. I feel the version of Christianity jar has proposed is the most "Christian" of the lot.
Without further ado:
Scene: The line-up outside the custom’s house.
Peter: Next!
Atheist: Umm, I guess that’s me.
Peter: Hmmm. An atheist, hunh? Didn’t believe in GOD at all, did you? Surprised to see me?
Atheist: Well, yeah, obviously. (Shuffles feet. Figures he’s had it, so as a “last great act of defiance”). Dammit, you all didn’t make it real evident, you know? Why did you guys give me a brain, intellect, curiosity, and all that, and then set up everything around to make it look like you didn’t exist? What did you expect?
Peter: Hush up. (Opens Book). Let’s see. Pretty standard range of peccadillos, nothing out of the ordinary. Hmm, never harmed or cheated anyone deliberately. Raised a loving family. Played the cards you were dealt fairly. Never blamed anyone for your own faults, and mostly forgave others theirs. Worked a lot in places and with people much less fortunate than you were, at some cost to yourself, I see. Humm, hmmm. Not especially racist or xenophobic. Figured everyone was the same species, after all, and deserved respect on their own individual merits. Taught your kids your values. For what it’s worth, they seem to be on the right track, by the way. Cracked a fair amount of jokes about GOD in your time I see.
Atheist (more than a little embarrassed, and more certain than ever he’s a goner): Sorry about that.
Peter: Don’t worry about it. I made up some of them myself and sent them around. Think GOD can’t take a joke? Hmmm, I suppose your kids are all atheists?
Atheist: Well, erm, no not all of them, I guess. I taught them to look at the facts, and decide for themselves. To think on their own. One’s a sort of vague deist, near as I can make out. Not sure what the others will end up - but (again, defiantly) that’s their choice, isn’t it? That’s the way I raised them. IF you all hadn’t been so gawd-awful cryptic .
Peter: Yeah, yeah. I got that part. Okay, you lived a pretty good life, and positively affected those around you. Left the world incrementally better than it would have been without your presence in it. Go on through.
Atheist: What? That’s it? I thought I was damned for eternity.
Peter: Yeah, I get that a lot. Look, think of it this way. In most ways, you lived it even if you didn’t believe it. You didn’t need belief. You were simply a reasonably good person - and you never deviated substantially from that. You held to your values in the face of many challenges and temptations. You were pretty true to yourself and pretty much true to others. You were, by definition, a Good Person. Why do you think you wouldn’t qualify?
Atheist: What about all that stuff about Hell, and all? I mean, I used to get people telling me all the time I was damned to hell because I rejected Christianity. You mean Hell doesn’t exist?
Peter: Oh yeah. It exists. And it’s waaay worse than anything you could imagine. However, there are waaay more non-Christians created by GOD than there are Christians. Why do you think S/He would have made somebody just to send them to Hell on the sole basis they weren’t “Christian”? And a bunch of them are going to get a rather rude surprise when they get up here as well (*chuckles grimly*) Anything else?
Atheist: Okay, I guess. Ummm . ?
Peter: What!?
Atheist: Umm, is my dog here? I mean, I really miss her .
Peter (exasperated): Yeah, yeah. Of course. She was a Good Dog. Check the database when you get to your room.
Atheist (flabbergasted): We have Internet?
Peter: Naturally. Who do you think invented it? Oh, by the way, don’t go head to head with Judas in Alpha Centauri. He’s a killer. Now move along, you’re holding up the line. We’ve only got eternity, you know.

Replies to this message:
 Message 2 by jar, posted 08-04-2006 5:01 PM Quetzal has not replied
 Message 3 by robinrohan, posted 08-05-2006 10:24 AM Quetzal has not replied

Posts: 34123
From: Texas!!
Joined: 04-20-2004
Member Rating: 3.1

Message 2 of 5 (337953)
08-04-2006 5:01 PM
Reply to: Message 1 by Quetzal
07-31-2006 11:16 PM

Pretty close to how it will be, but ...
don't forget we all gonna have beer and BBQ as well. Animals of all kinds, including the Naked Ape will be there.

Aslan is not a Tame Lion

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by Quetzal, posted 07-31-2006 11:16 PM Quetzal has not replied

Inactive Member

Message 3 of 5 (338082)
08-05-2006 10:24 AM
Reply to: Message 1 by Quetzal
07-31-2006 11:16 PM

The "Real Story": Another take
Peter: Next!
Atheist: This does not really exist. I must be having a dream.
Peter: It exists all right.
Atheist: And you must not really exist. You are a figment.
Peter: No, I'm real.
Atheist: That's impossible. All that exists is physicality. I am a philosophical materialist.
Peter: Let's take a look at your moral record, shall we?
Atheist: All morals are subjective. I did what I thought was right, but what I thought was right was something I imbibed from my culture which in turn imbibed it from the evolutionary principle of survival. Morality is a practical affair. What's moral is what works for the survival of the tribe. I did not base my morality on the writings of Bronze Age goatherders. I have been a man of exemplary moral character thoughout my life. If God did exist, he would be cruel. I have worked for the good of the human race, spending my energy trying to help others to live a life free from the ancient shackles of superstition and bigotry. I have based my life on the principle that if I can help one fainting robin back into its nest again, I shall not have lived in vain. I have appreciated the world for its awesome beauty.
Peter (patiently): Let's see now [flipping through some papers]. 3,922 lies told, most of these however of the "white" variety.
Atheist: What are you talking about? I'm one of the most honest people I know.
Peter: Oh, our records are quite accurate. Let's move on to sex.
Atheist: Sex? Sex? Sex has nothing to do with morality!
Peter: 14 cases of outright fornication, 2 cases of outright adultery with married women before your marriage. 112 cases of lusting in your heart while married. Tsk, tsk, that number is a little high.
Atheist: I'm a very sexual person. Your God made me that way! I couldn't help it.
Peter: 12 cases of theft.
Atheist: What? Maybe I took a few things from the office. It's a big rich company. They could afford it, for Christ's sake. And there was that little incident with the income tax returns . . .
Peter: Now let's move on to more serious matters. (Peter looks him in the eye).
Atheist: Yes, what have I done? I don't believe this. How unfair you are!
Peter: Hypocrisy. 5,223 cases.
Atheist: What hypocrisy? I always said what I thought.
Peter: Not according to our records, which, as I said before, are quite accurate.
Atheist (passing his hand over his eyes): I don't know . . . what you are talking about.
Peter: I think you do.
Atheist (groping with the idea): You mean, I suppose, that I didn't always . . . cherish what I said I cherished? I suppose I pretended a few times.
Peter: That's the tip of the iceburg.
Atheist: You mean that my motives were not so high-minded after all?
Peter: Now we are getting somewhere.
Atheist: That my pretense of unselfishness was not so unselfish?
Peter: Keep going.
Atheist: That . . . what mattered to me was me, foremost and always?
Peter (smiling): Sir, you are makng progress. The end of the journey is to arrive where you started and know yourself for the first time.
You're off to Purgatory. It will not be as bad as you think. A learning experience, to be sure.
Edited by robinrohan, : No reason given.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 1 by Quetzal, posted 07-31-2006 11:16 PM Quetzal has not replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 4 by MangyTiger, posted 08-05-2006 10:27 AM robinrohan has not replied

Member (Idle past 6461 days)
Posts: 989
From: Leicester, UK
Joined: 07-30-2004

Message 4 of 5 (338083)
08-05-2006 10:27 AM
Reply to: Message 3 by robinrohan
08-05-2006 10:24 AM

Re: The "Real Story": Another take
You're off to Purgatory.
You mean the Catholics were right all along!?
Faith and buz are going to be so pissed

Oops! Wrong Planet

This message is a reply to:
 Message 3 by robinrohan, posted 08-05-2006 10:24 AM robinrohan has not replied

Suspended Member (Idle past 4682 days)
Posts: 4
From: USA
Joined: 09-18-2011

Message 5 of 5 (634078)
09-18-2011 10:00 PM

{Spam and other blather deleted - Adminnemooseus}
Edited by Adminnemooseus, : See above.

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