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Author Topic:   I'm writing a story because I'm bored.
IamJoseph
Member (Idle past 3668 days)
Posts: 2822
Joined: 06-30-2007


Message 16 of 24 (635920)
10-03-2011 1:13 AM
Reply to: Message 15 by crashfrog
10-03-2011 12:17 AM


quote:
you make them think they're the ones who figured it out.
Correcto. And I feel he's done that: the reader is wondering more than the lagging details give. Now the story's real plot must deliver - there has to be a turning point which takes us far beyond the two confounded characters. I hope its not another alien thing.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 15 by crashfrog, posted 10-03-2011 12:17 AM crashfrog has not replied

  
nlerd
Member (Idle past 3604 days)
Posts: 48
From: Minnesota
Joined: 03-03-2010


Message 17 of 24 (635959)
10-03-2011 9:44 AM


I'll probably get chapter 3 done today.
Was too busy to finish it yesterday, I'll see if I can get to it later today.

You can't spell "believe" without "lie".
Reality trumps logic.

  
nlerd
Member (Idle past 3604 days)
Posts: 48
From: Minnesota
Joined: 03-03-2010


Message 18 of 24 (656935)
03-23-2012 11:17 AM


Forgot about it for five months...
I haven't written anything else because I got distracted and then lost the papers on which I had characters, scenes, random ideas and the like. Then forgot I was writing the damn thing. But I'm interested to see what if anything comes of this and still have a lot of the general story in my mind.
Chapter Three.
"God, what now?" Eric asked no one in particular as he walked over to the counter. He leaned over the glass lottery ticket inset, his body tensed for whatever scene he was about to see. His recoiled slightly before he leaned in for a closer look.
On the floor was what looked like a puddle of oil half covered by a red t-shirt. He let out a small nervous laugh and turned to face Andy. "Someone just spilled oil or something, looks like they tried to clean it up with a shirt."
Andy stood up rubbing his back and went over to take another look "Fuck man I thought it was a body, I just seen clothes and wet dark stuff. With all the weird shit that's going on tonight I though mayb....dude that isn't just a shirt."
Eric turned back to look at the mess on the floor. This time he took the time to actually look at what he was seeing and noticed a pair of jeans under the shirt. "Okay so its a shirt and jeans. Maybe someone spilled oil on themselves and had a spare set of clothes in the back and didn't want to track oil all over the store."
Andy turned to Eric "Dude there's a bra in that shirt, what chick is gonna strip naked in the middle of a store?" he asked while pointing toward the just visible pink bra strap inside the shirt. "I mean don't get me wrong, I'm all for naked chicks. But this is just weir..ARE THOSE FINGERNAILS DUDE!? FUCK THIS I'M OUT OF HERE!"
Andy spun away from the mess and sprinted to the exit, hitting the door so hard he cracked the glass with his elbow. "ANDY wait!" Eric yelled after him as Andy ran across the parking lot.
"God dammit" Eric muttered as he leaned over the counter again, this time to get the cigarettes he left his place for 45 minutes ago. He looked down at the mess on the floor one last time and noticed three pink fingernails half submerged in the oil stuff. He pulled his last five dollars out of his pocket dropped it on the counter and headed to the door. "Fuck this indeed."
Eric spotted Andy hunched over on the sidewalk next to the street, as he walked over to him Andy heaved twice and vomited on the pavement. "Are you okay man?"
Andy wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his hoodie "Are you kidding me? No I'm not okay, your not okay, NOTHING is fucking okay dude!" He noticed the puke floating in the air on his "Ghost" hand. "I mean what the fuck? What is this? Did I smoke some bad weed or something?"
"I hope you didn't because if you did it was some serious stuff because I didn't smoke anything and I have no idea what is going on either." Eric said as he unwrapped his smokes and pulled one out.
"Well," he said as he lit up the cigarette and took a big drag. "we could go to my place and use my phone. I'm guessing you don't want to go back in the gas station."
"Hell no I don't wanna go back in there dude. Who the hell are you gonna call anyway, the Ghostbusters?" Andy asked as he wiped the back of his hand on his pants.
"I don't know, the police would probably be a good idea first. Then we can call the Ghostbusters. C'mon I live like six blocks away." Eric started walking down Boadway "You coming?"
Andy jogged to catch up to him. Eric lit another cigarette of the first one.
"Chain smoking is gross dude."
Eric looked Andy up and down "Says the guy in the paint and vomit covered sweater and dirty jeans. And I haven't had a smoke in like four hours and tonight has been...stressful."
"Gimme a break dude, I wear this hoodie to work and get paint on it sometimes. And anyone sane would puke if they seen what I seen, did you see the hair?" Andy asked as he kicked a Coke bottle into the street.
"What?"
"Her hair dude, its like she melted into a puddle of goo. I didnt realize it was her hair, just thought it was random shit on the floor under that goo but then I seen the nails and realized that it was a fucking melted person. She was blonde." Andy was breathing much faster then their walking speed warranted.
"Andy you've got to calm down man.."
"Why?! Does this look like something I should be calm about?!" Andy shouted as he swung his "Ghost" hand up in front of Eric's face.
A light flashed behind Eric's eyes as Andy's hand smacked him in the nose "Oww! Dammit Andy!" he yelled as his head snapped back.
"Shit! Sorry dude. I didn't mean to hit you, its kinda hard to tell where my hand is. Shit you okay? You bleeding?"
Eric ran the back of his hand under his nose and sniffed a couple of times, "No I don't think so...Whoa, Andy your hand."
"What?" Andy looked at his hand and noticed that it was glowing. A very faint blue light was emanating from his hand, seeming to come from inside the bones. "Sweet crap dude, what the hell..?"
Andy raised his hand and flexed his fingers and watched as the light within moved with them, getting brighter at the joints any time one moved. The light faded after about ten seconds.

You can't spell "believe" without "lie".
Reality trumps logic.

  
Drosophilla
Member (Idle past 3641 days)
Posts: 172
From: Doncaster, yorkshire, UK
Joined: 08-25-2009


Message 19 of 24 (656949)
03-23-2012 1:25 PM
Reply to: Message 10 by crashfrog
10-02-2011 11:04 AM


Hi Crash,
In the first we're told that Eric stays up late. In the second we're shown that he stays up late; it's a conclusion we draw from the fact that Eric is out and about while other people are closing up; that he buys cigarettes and an alcoholic energy drink; and that these are things he does fairly frequently. The audience concludes that he's a night owl in a much more authentic way than if they were simply told that.
Agreed; Always show - it evokes so much more. Plus you can get other stuff in - in your example it shows how Eric interacts with the storekeeper - it shows his sociability and starts characterising him from his habits to his speech. Economy of words - each line has to do several jobs at once.
I've written a 140,000 word adventure/thriller story and the first draft has just done the rounds of the writers' group I'm a member of Loads of very useful comments and I'm now working on the second draft to iron out various issues people have commented on.
The simple mistake I'm thinking of right now that someone commented on is the statement I made where the main character (a semi-alcoholic) uncorks a bottle of Grouse Whiskey (popular brand here in the UK). He pointed out that Grouse uses screw-tops not corks like most malt whiskies use. I'm more than a little embarrassed since I have two bottles of Grouse (and a few malts) in my home right now. (No the story is not autobiographical by the way!!!).

This message is a reply to:
 Message 10 by crashfrog, posted 10-02-2011 11:04 AM crashfrog has not replied

  
Drosophilla
Member (Idle past 3641 days)
Posts: 172
From: Doncaster, yorkshire, UK
Joined: 08-25-2009


(1)
Message 20 of 24 (656950)
03-23-2012 2:01 PM
Reply to: Message 7 by nlerd
10-01-2011 5:59 PM


Feedback....
Hi nlerd
happened to be on the street at the moment Eric and Andy passed each other, that person wouldn't know anything about either man unless they told that "someone else" about themselves.
And as for the dialogue being kind of...bland. I'm trying to give the characters more unique voices, I think Andy does "sound" a bit different then Eric at this point though. Dunno if his dropping "dude" and "fuck" left and right is enough though.
I haven't started chapter 3 yet. I'll probably start it later tonight, can't leave my adoring fans in the dark!
The most important question for me to ask you and for you to consider is "Why do you want to write this story?" Is it solely for your own pleasure or do you hope to go somewhere with it in terms of trying to be a published author?
The answer to the question gives very different writing approaches. If you merely wish to write for your own pleasure then just type/write away and do what pleases you. In this context you need please no one but yourself.
If however you harbour any inclination to publish whatsoever then there are very definite rules you can't break (at least not until you have published your 10th bestseller then you can play around a bit).
Probably the most heinous crime and the one I've heard that causes more failed manuscripts than any other, is Crash's comment on point of view. Incorrect/inconsistent use of POV is the hallmark of amateurs, and even seasoned professionals can slip up on this one.
Choosing a POV at the start is critical to how your story is perceived by the readers. First person POV (where you write "I got out of bed, I cleaned my teeth) is intense, you get in the action as the reader - in fact 1st person POV effectively makes you the main character (protagonist). You get close and dirty to the action, you hear all the protagonists’ thoughts and you suffer with him.
The downside is that you can ONLY know what he knows - this needs careful plot handling so you get all the data in that you need in the protagonist's presence. Another downside is that if your main character is an unpleasant piece of work or a moaner/miserable sort, then you force the reader to live with him for the duration of the book. 1st POV stories can be very powerful if you can get it right.
3rd person limited view POV (Harry got out of bed, then Harry cleaned his teeth....not 'I' but still concentrating on the one individual through the whole book) means you follow one character and identify with him - but you don't get to listen to his every moan. I've written a first draft of a novel and the character is semi-alcoholic. The story is about him being framed for murder and him having to unravel the con before the cops stick him away for life - and to do this with his drink problem. So it needs to be from his point of view but not so you can hear his every booze-addled thought - so limited 3rd person POV was my choice here.
Unlimited 3rd person POV means you can flit in and out of everyone's head whenever you like. The advantage is that plot lines are easier as you can go wherever you like. The disadvantages is that readers find it harder to identify with the main character - if indeed there is one, and can be confused over whose POV is being expressed throughout the story.
Finally, God's eye view is like a panoramic camera from above - the reader sees everything and all plotting is relatively simple - but there is often little connection with characters for the reader - if readers don't care for your characters they will switch off very very quickly.
Your story starts with a very confusing POV. It seems to be limited 3rd person from Eric's point of view but can't be otherwise we couldn't possibly know what goes on when he is unconscious. A publisher wouldn't read past your first five paragraphs — they are extremely sensitive to POV misuse. In fact another maxim of the writer’s world is "If you haven't grabbed your publisher by the end of the first paragraph - you've blown it — and if you’ve grabbed him for the wrong reason — you’ve still blown it."
Hope this is of help....there are other things to consider too, such as characterisation, realistic dialogue, plot and narrative voice - happy to give feedback if you wish but think I've gone on long enough here....

This message is a reply to:
 Message 7 by nlerd, posted 10-01-2011 5:59 PM nlerd has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 21 by Perdition, posted 03-23-2012 2:18 PM Drosophilla has replied
 Message 24 by nlerd, posted 03-23-2012 5:59 PM Drosophilla has not replied

  
Perdition
Member (Idle past 3237 days)
Posts: 1593
From: Wisconsin
Joined: 05-15-2003


Message 21 of 24 (656952)
03-23-2012 2:18 PM
Reply to: Message 20 by Drosophilla
03-23-2012 2:01 PM


Re: Feedback....
There is a sort of different 3rd person option. It's limited, but not to just one person. I'm in the midst of writing a novel, and I have three main protagonists. Things are only seen through these three characters, so it's not 3rd person omniscient, but it's not limited to just one person.
Nlerd could be trying this, with a limited cast of charatcers through whom the action is seen, but I agree, the actual POV being used is a bit unclear at this point.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 20 by Drosophilla, posted 03-23-2012 2:01 PM Drosophilla has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 22 by Drosophilla, posted 03-23-2012 4:49 PM Perdition has replied

  
Drosophilla
Member (Idle past 3641 days)
Posts: 172
From: Doncaster, yorkshire, UK
Joined: 08-25-2009


Message 22 of 24 (656961)
03-23-2012 4:49 PM
Reply to: Message 21 by Perdition
03-23-2012 2:18 PM


Re: Feedback....
That's cool. I wonder how many on EvC are budding novelists? Could be good to compare notes - especially those who hope for publication - it's a very tough world in writing. What's the theme behind yours?
In the UK only 3 manuscripts per 1000 submitted make it - a depressingly small figure - and half of them are ghost-written and sold as vacuous celebrity-inspired works. I've lost count of the number of seimi-literate celebrities that get books published - from autobiographies to mystery novels (for god's sake!). Colour me envious!

This message is a reply to:
 Message 21 by Perdition, posted 03-23-2012 2:18 PM Perdition has replied

Replies to this message:
 Message 23 by Perdition, posted 03-23-2012 5:28 PM Drosophilla has not replied

  
Perdition
Member (Idle past 3237 days)
Posts: 1593
From: Wisconsin
Joined: 05-15-2003


Message 23 of 24 (656964)
03-23-2012 5:28 PM
Reply to: Message 22 by Drosophilla
03-23-2012 4:49 PM


Re: Feedback....
Well, I've written a number of sci-fi short stories, but have been thus far unable to get them published.
As for the novel, it's hopefully going to be the first in what is currently an 8 book fantasy series. I love reading fanatasy series, but have found that many of them deal with people fighting against an embodiment of evil (i.e. Sauron). I thought it would be interesting to make fantasy more realistic, though still keeping fantasy elements. There is a magic system and an important, fictional creature, but otherwise, the main thrust of the series involves two people who end up on opposite sides, but are both trying to save the world due to a prophecy that states that someone will need to unite the kingdoms or the world will be destroyed.
It's about human failings, biases and making mistakes.
There is also a pantheon of gods, but most will be shown to be mythical, with one of the main characters becoming an athiest while the other becomes more devout.
The three main characters I mentioned all start out as friends, two orphan boys and a girl who is the daughter of a maid in the palace of one of the kingdoms. I'm hoping different people will identify with each of the three main characters, and the question will be, who was the prophecy actually about?
Edited by Perdition, : No reason given.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 22 by Drosophilla, posted 03-23-2012 4:49 PM Drosophilla has not replied

  
nlerd
Member (Idle past 3604 days)
Posts: 48
From: Minnesota
Joined: 03-03-2010


Message 24 of 24 (656968)
03-23-2012 5:59 PM
Reply to: Message 20 by Drosophilla
03-23-2012 2:01 PM


Re: Feedback....
quote:
The most important question for me to ask you and for you to consider is "Why do you want to write this story?" Is it solely for your own pleasure or do you hope to go somewhere with it in terms of trying to be a published author?
Like the thread title says I only started writing it because I was bored and to do something with the characters and scenarios I think up every once in a while. I don't want to publish anything, nor do I think I have anywhere near the skills to get published. Just something to do.

You can't spell "believe" without "lie".
Reality trumps logic.

This message is a reply to:
 Message 20 by Drosophilla, posted 03-23-2012 2:01 PM Drosophilla has not replied

  
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